There are SO many things that become issues in a marriage. I’ve faced some of them myself in my own relationship - we’re human too. And the stress that we experience in our daily lives can lower the reserves we have to lend “grace” to our partners.
I’ve helped many people navigate stressful episodes, but 2020 presents entirely new levels of strain and pressure. How then, can partners stay bonded when staring down an unexpected deluge of stressors?
The COVID-19 Pandemic (and the varied response to it)
Before this year, you may have viewed pandemics as the stuff of Hollywood thrillers. Then, in a flash, we’re all becoming amateur epidemiologists. With eyes riveted to our newsfeeds, you and your spouse may suddenly find yourselves juggling fear of financial panic, all your plans in upheaval, your routines being reimagined on the fly, and your kids being homeschooled.
Meanwhile, there’s the not-so-minor issue of how ruptured we’ve all become in terms of how we’re individually reacting. Friendships are being fractured, and paranoia is being sown. And, oh yeah, you’re also trying to NOT catch the disease at the core of all of the above.
If a Pandemic Weren’t Enough
Tossed onto the volitive foundation just described are a nationwide racial reckoning and a divisive presidential election. Re-launched by the killings of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, protests and counter-protests are simmering from coast-to-coast.
Everyday conversations feel fraught with tension. Some already deep societal splits are expanding just as the election campaigns begin to intensify.
Did I already use the phrase “unexpected deluge of stressors”?
What Can Stress Do to a Marriage?
Of course, there are endless answers and variables to be given here. Specific to 2020, let’s narrow things down to two broad categories:
Lack of Healthy Communication
Oh, I’m sure you’re communicating right now… but how healthy is it? Honestly assess where you’re at. A few things that are not healthy:
Passive-aggression
Taking things out on each other
Texting or emailing
Silence
Loss of Intimacy
When anxiety runs rampant, and communication breaks down, intimacy is usually the first casualty. This loss can range from your sex life to merely making eye contact or holding hands. As intimacy wanes, you may feel a slight but palpable loss of trust and bond.
Two Active Steps You Can Take — RIGHT NOW
It’s not as if you have to succumb to the stressors, surrendering your peace of mind and relationship security. Here’s what you can do.
Take Regular Tech Breaks
Step away from your devices. This approach will help you garner two crucial benefits:
Reducing the number of stressful news updates you are consuming
Eliminating one of the many factors distracting you from each other
Plan together to coordinate these breaks so you can use them to reconnect. Also, this is an excellent way to hold each other accountable as you move toward healing.
Choose Active Ways to Reconnect
Now more than ever, you need a foundation of steady, healthy, face-to-face communication. Be pro-active. Don’t leave anything to chance even if that means you have to legit schedule it into your respective calendars. What an ideal way to use those tech breaks, I just suggested!
The Next Big Step
No one should expect to have things figured out during a pandemic. Take a few seconds and re-read that previous sentence. Cut yourself and your spouse some slack and accept the need for guidance.
Agreeing to meet with a couples counselor — in-person or via video chat — is precisely the kind of commitment that provides some much-needed balance in 2020.
If you’re curious about more of my thoughts on marriage counseling, check out my marriage counseling page or my marriage counseling blog. If you’re in the western Twin Cities area, I can help. Just call me at 612-230-7171 email me through my contact page, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.
Stay safe.