Can You Undo Your Affair?

When I help couples recover from an affair, the first thing the offending partner seems to say is,”But I can’t go back in time and undo what I’ve done.” I wish I could call up a time machine for my couples. Because all of my couples affected by infidelity have one thing in common: regret.

Regret: The Great Motivator

While you are in the soup of pain after infidelity, there’s a lot of confusion and disorientation. So it can be hard to know what is helpful. I’m going to tell you this: regretting that you hurt your partner is your best ally. Feeling guilt can help you put positive intent into responding to your partner’s distress. They will be able to feel this positive intent which can validate any healing words you might be saying. Additionally, feeling regret will motivate you to be as helpful to them as you can be.

The Best Healing Factor

While Regret can help validate your healing words, and can motivate you to be the most helpful you can be, what can you do that will help heal the most? Sitting in the mud. What kind of voodoo magic is sitting in the mud? When your partner or spouse talks about the pain she or he has experienced because of the affair you participate in do the following:

1. Actively listen to them: Being curious, seeing understanding, despite the unpleasant feeling you may have.

2. Don’t dismiss their pain. This is an example of a dismissive statement:“I’m sorry I did that, at the same time, can we just get past this?”

3. Don’t try to “fix.” There are actual things you can do to help, but you’ll need their guidance. You can say,”Do you want me to just listen? Or do you want me to troubleshoot?”

4. Understand they won’t have words sometimes. When an injured partner is first experiencing the pain of the betrayal, they may just scream or collapse emotionally and not be able to tell you what they need. This is normal. You can tell them that.

Affair Recovery: First Aid

I tell people that couples counseling is a little like ballroom dance instruction. You’re using a process of relating that doesn’t work for you. You’re stepping on each other’s toes and injuring each other. By now, you’re bleeding, and so we’re having you use a different process to communicate your intentions and a different way of moving with the other person.

Imagine now attending a ballroom dance class while simultaneously being worried that the floor is going to fall from underneath your feet. You’re probably not going to be very concerned with getting the timing right on your dance steps. You’ll probably be more focused on where the nearest entrance is. That’s why there’s affair recovery as a preliminary step.

Affair recovery gets you to a stable spot so you can feel confident enough that there isn’t a threat still looming over you. For the injured partner, affair recovery helps you ask for what you need: Do you need a written email that the relationship sent to the affair partner? Do you need email or text access to your partner’s phone? This isn’t to say such radical transparency is forever. But it helps to calm their nervous system.

For the affair-involved partner. I help you apologize and understand how to disclose affair details that your partner is asking for.

What do you want your new relationship to look like?

I talk a lot about couples relationships being over and rebuilding a new one because there is too much discordant with what you know the other person can do vs. who you thought they were. You are attempting to create a new relationship that addresses some of the vulnerabilities that may have led to someone else getting in the middle.

DIY

I’m a fan of the DIY ethic. But I also recognize the importance of asking for help. Whether I work with you together or individually, I can be a source of help during your toughest times. If you’re ready to address infidelity and move forward in your relationship, check out my page on Affair Recovery and my thoughts on repairing once there’s infidelity.

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom).  Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the orange button on that page to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.

I’m a couples therapy specialist that has helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck and would love to help you find a way out -together.

Do Men and Women Respond Differently to Infidelity? – Why It Matters

Plenty of studies offer results to prove how men and women respond differently to being cheated on. Generally speaking, men report being more jealous of sexual infidelity. On the other hand, women are more upset about emotional affairs.

This response holds true across the globe and throughout different cultures. While there is value in factoring in the prevailing trends, it’s wise to address these betrayals on a case-by-case basis — especially with same-sex couples. That said, each partner will most likely respond differently to adultery, and this reality can inform any effort toward healing.

What Is Infidelity?

“Cheating” isn’t as easy to define as it may seem. It’s up to each couple (Note: not each partner) to decide. As a result, in the digital age, “having an affair” could mean sexting or creating a secret emotional connection with someone online. More broadly, a couple could see betrayal in:

• Particular acts only (from kissing to intercourse)

• Giving your loyalty to someone other than your partner

• Pornography

• Hiring an “escort”

• Emotional affairs

• Keeping secrets from your spouse

In other words, this conversation must begin long, long before there is ever a chance of infidelity. Unless you have both consented to specific parameters, there is too much room for mixed messages and clever deceptions.

How Couples Responds to Infidelity and Why it Matters

Once the ground rules have been laid down — and broken by one of you — then comes the reaction. How each partner responds is essential because within that reaction may lie the key to recovery. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll break it down into the two most common categories:

Emotional

Reminder: You don’t have to take your clothes off to cheat. If your needs are emotional, you may seek to have them met elsewhere. It may be in-person; it may be virtual or “cyber.” Either way, the betrayed partner’s response will be based on:

• The natural shock and anger of being deceived by your spouse

• Hearing the news that they are seen as neglectful or cold

No partner is ever justified in cheating. The recovery here must involve remorse and accountability from the person who sought love elsewhere. It must also include an in-depth exploration of the underlying causes.

Physical

This aspect is what most people imagine when they hear a word like adultery. A person in a committed relationship has engaged in sex acts with someone other than their partner. When the cheater is caught or confesses, the response from their significant other will probably spring from:

• The natural shock and anger of being deceived by your spouse

• Feelings of shame and self-doubt about their looks or sexiness

Again, the onus is on the cheating partner to step up with the bulk of the post-affair work. However, there will also be a special kind of healing required to repair the intimacy and trust.

Weaving through both of the above categories is another motivation: revenge. If one of you feels invalidated or unappreciated, this can be used as an excuse to “punish” your partner. When this infidelity is disclosed, the response will probably blend all of the above factors.

You’ll Benefit from Counseling

Hopefully, it’s clear by now that it can be tricky to make generalizations after any post-affair fallout. Also, tensions and emotions are colliding. This response reduces the chances of clear-eyed communication.

Enter the couples counselor. When betrayal shatters a couple’s trust, it is crucial to have help from a professional guide. I’ve worked with couples, and I’ve seen reactions that run the full gamut.

I talk about this and other things in my affair recovery page, so check that out if you’re looking for more ways to reboot your relationship.

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota, I am doing video sessions for couples and would be happy to help. Contact me at 612.230.7171, email me via my contact page, or click on the link below to self-schedule a call with me to see if we’re a match.

Take good care.

Affairs: Is There Any Way My Partner Can Forgive Me?

It’s tough knowing you’re the one causing pain.  It’s so directly tied to your behavior, and you know in your heart that your betrayal cut so deeply for your partner.  So you might as well toss in the towel, right?  Even with all this regret swimming in your head, there’s no way they’re going to forgive you, right?

Actually, the marriage research shows that slightly over 50% of the couples who experience infidelity decide to stay together. If you really want to try to stay together, even though you’re the one who committed the betrayal, you’re not alone.  

How Can I Even Ask Them To Do This?

The first thing you need to ask yourself is: "do I really want to work on it?”  If the answer is no, then not a problem - you have the permission to make that decision.  No one has to work on their relationship.  No one must repair after infidelity.  But if the answer is “I want to work on it, but I don’t know if she’ll want to work on it,” that’s a different matter altogether.  If you want to work on it, you can tell them that’s what you want.  You can ask for grace.  You can ask for forgiveness.  They may tell you ‘no,’ and that may hurt.  But if you don’t tell them what is in your heart, how will they know?

“But how can I ask them to work on the relationship I blew up in the first place?”  

If you’re asking yourself that question without sitting down and answering it, you’re probably punishing yourself instead of really answering your question.  

Some Reasons Why

So let’s take a different approach. Let’s come up with some reasons why I’ve seen injured partners agree to work on it. You might be able to use this and see that there might be something similar operating in your relationship.

• They still love you - Remember, that for a large percentage of couples, the injured person in the relationship is surprised by the betrayal.  So for them, if there is a memory of some love in the relationship, that memory is still there.  

• They still have a reservoir of grace - It can be surprising that some people may not be as bothered by an affair as others.  Some people report that the hardest part of infidelity is the betrayal or the lying, not the act itself.  

• Because you can ask for forgiveness and reconciliation it without expecting it , which is vulnerable.  It’s hard to come to someone you hurt, hat in hand.  And that sense that you’re willing to put your own ego aside may help your partner feel how genuine your desire to repair is.

• They’ve felt unhappy in the relationship too and want something different.  They may not be surprised that there’s been an affair.  Or they may be surprised by the affair but understanding that your relationship has been in tatters for a long time.  So there may be some recognition that this may be the one chance both of you have to build something new.

• They want to do everything they can before throwing in the towel. They may simply believe that marriage is important and want to honor their commitments or vows.

There are many, many other reasons that also work. Some, like “we have a family and I want to do everything I can to keep it intact for the kids” have less to do with you, but may be just as important. Think about your situation and how it may click with any of these.

If this article has caught your interest and you want to find out next steps, check out my article on “How To Ask My Partner To Work On Our Relationship.”  

Feel free to check out my page on Affair Recovery and my thoughts on repairing once there’s infidelity.

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom).  Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.

I’m a couples therapy specialist that has helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck and would love to help you find a way out -together.