When couples talk about a "lack of desire," they often assume something is wrong in the bedroom. But more often, the problem started long before anyone took their clothes off.

Desire Needs a Safe Place to Land

Desire thrives in a climate of emotional safety—where you feel respected, known, and accepted. If you feel emotionally exposed or chronically misunderstood, it’s incredibly hard to want intimacy.

There’s a moment in every hard conversation where you have a choice:
Do you say what you’re really feeling—or do you go with the safer, sharper edge?

Most of us choose the latter.
We get frustrated.
We feel annoyed.
We sound angry.

Not because that’s the deepest truth—
but because it feels less vulnerable than saying something like:

“I’m scared you don’t love me anymore.”

When couples sit down to repair after a painful moment, one of the most common pitfalls is blending two very different conversations into one:

1. How I apologize for the hurt I caused

2. What was going on for me that led me to act the way I did

At first glance, it seems efficient to talk about both at once. But in reality, combining them often backfires.

We’ve all done it.
Your partner seems upset, so you say something like:

• “You’re angry.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “You’re just jealous.”

It might feel like you’re trying to name what’s going on and get the conversation moving. But instead, you watch their defenses rise and the discussion turn into a fight.

In many heterosexual relationships, there’s a dynamic I see in my therapy office again and again:
For many men, sex is love.

That doesn’t mean it’s the only way they experience love, but it’s often the most direct, embodied, and reliable way they feel emotionally connected to their partner. For them, sexual intimacy isn’t just about physical pleasure—it’s about pair bonding, reassurance, and feeling close.

Talking about sex might be one of the most vulnerable things you can do in a relationship. Not because sex itself is inherently taboo—but because at its core, talking about sex means talking about you. Your desires. Your fears. The parts of you that most crave connection, and the parts that most fear rejection.

It’s no wonder so many couples avoid these conversations altogether.

We often think of ADHD as a diagnosis marked by distractibility, impulsivity, and trouble focusing. This is a great way of thinking of individual ramifications of ADHD. But one of the most overlooked — and arguably most disruptive — aspects of ADHD in relationships is emotional dysregulation.

Ever find yourself in an argument with your partner that started over dishes, and suddenly you're rehashing a disagreement from three years ago, referencing your in-laws, and wondering how you got here?

Welcome to the chaos of disorganized fighting.

I was writing another article when I realized that I had no article I’ve written specifically on timeouts. This is a quick primer on how to do them well, and it starts with having an agreement on doing a timeout well before you need it. Don’t do the fire drill during the fire.

You can love your partner deeply and still feel like you’re two ships passing in the night.
That experience isn’t always about emotional distance — sometimes it’s just life.
Really demanding, nonstop, relentless life.

It used to be that we compared ourselves to the neighbors.. . . But today? We compare our relationships to strangers on the internet — to perfectly edited reels, curated couples photos on Instagram, and scripted TikToks designed to give the illusion of spontaneous romance.

And that comparison is costing us more than we realize.

As a couples therapist, I spend a lot of time helping my clients understand their emotional reactions, relationship dynamics, and how to navigate conflicts healthily. But here’s something you might find reassuring (or maybe surprising): I deal with the very same challenges in my own relationship.

Many couples are familiar with the concept of love languages—the idea popularized by Gary Chapman that each of us has a preferred way to give and receive love, such as words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or receiving gifts. Discovering your own love language can be incredibly valuable. It helps you communicate your emotional needs clearly and effectively to your partner.

If you've ever felt stuck in repetitive arguments, misunderstood, or emotionally disconnected in your relationship, you're not alone. Most couples find themselves cycling through familiar frustrations, often because they're not addressing the real underlying emotions or needs that fuel these patterns. But what if there was one simple question that could completely transform your communication?

Many couples proudly declare, "We never fight!" On the surface, this might sound ideal—who wouldn’t want a peaceful, conflict-free relationship? Yet, as a therapist who specializes in working with couples, I often get concerned when I hear this. Ironically, the absence of conflict can signal deeper issues in the relationship, like a lack of authenticity, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy.

Ever had one of those fights with your partner that seems to come out of nowhere? You might think, “How did this tiny issue about leaving socks on the floor blow up into a full-blown argument?” If this sounds familiar, you're definitely not alone. As a couples therapist, I see this all the time—and there’s usually something deeper going on.

You’ve probably heard of impostor syndrome—that nagging feeling that you're not really good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough, no matter how successful or capable you appear to others. Typically, we associate impostor syndrome with professional life, but did you know it can infiltrate and undermine your intimate relationships as well?

On the surface, people-pleasing seems like a positive trait. After all, who wouldn’t appreciate someone who’s agreeable, accommodating, and always focused on making others happy? But in my experience as a therapist, people-pleasing often comes with hidden costs—especially within intimate relationships.

If you frequently find yourself putting aside your own needs to avoid conflict, or you're always bending over backward to keep your partner happy, you may be engaging in what therapists call “fawning” or “co-dependency.” And while you may mean well, your efforts to please might actually be backfiring, creating an emotional cycle that's . . .

One of the most common conversations couples struggle with in my office is talking openly about sexual desire. Maybe you've experienced it too: you and your partner want to connect sexually, yet something feels disconnected. Desire doesn't seem to flow as naturally as you'd hoped, and frustration or confusion follows. According to renowned sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski, there's an invaluable concept that can help you navigate these tricky moments—it's called the "room next to desire."

Have you ever found yourself having the same repetitive argument with your partner, wondering how you ended up back here—yet again? If so, you're not alone. As a couples therapist, I've observed that behind nearly every repetitive conflict is an underlying trigger—a powerful emotional "button" that, when pressed, sends you into an intense reaction.