…And they're off—locked into an argument that feels familiar, infuriating, and completely beside the point.

The Fight You're Having Isn't the Fight You Need to Have

Let me be direct: This argument about calendars and ADHD is a waste of both of your time and energy.

From a Relational Life Therapy perspective, both Sarah and Mike are operating from their "adaptive child" parts—the reactive, self-protective parts of themselves that show up when they feel threatened. Sarah is criticizing and blaming. Mike is defending and deflecting. Neither one is accessing their "wise adult"—the part that can be honest, vulnerable, and accountable.

Here's what I wish more couples understood about apologies: they don't have to be perfect to be powerful.

I've watched countless couples get stuck in the same cycle. One partner messes up. The other partner waits for an apology. The first partner either doesn't apologize at all, or gives an apology that lands with a thud. Then both people feel more frustrated than before.

The problem isn't usually a lack of caring. It's that most of us were never actually taught how to apologize in a way that helps our partner feel truly heard and validated.

Let me name something that nobody wants to hear but everyone needs to understand: sometimes the hardest part about healing your relationship is that you were the one who got hurt, and now you have to do the hard work of healing.

It feels deeply unfair. And you know what? It is.

You're the one who was betrayed, dismissed, abandoned, or wounded. You're the one who's been carrying this pain. And now someone's telling you that you need to step up and actively participate in the healing process?

Yes. And I know how much that stings.

Most people become defensive with good intentions.

You’re not trying to start a fight—you’re trying to end one.
You’re trying to get your partner to understand where you’re coming from.
To see your side of the story.
To realize that they’ve misunderstood you.

But here’s the problem:

Defensiveness doesn’t stop arguments.
It fuels them.

In most couples, there are moments when one partner needs extra support. But what happens when both of you are in that space? When you’re both navigating difficult terrain—be it mental health challenges, stressful work situations, aging parents, or the relentless demands of parenting—how do you stay connected while you both need help?

This isn’t just hard. It’s messy. It’s vulnerable. And—if you can navigate it—it’s deeply meaningful.

When couples talk about a "lack of desire," they often assume something is wrong in the bedroom. But more often, the problem started long before anyone took their clothes off.

Desire Needs a Safe Place to Land

Desire thrives in a climate of emotional safety—where you feel respected, known, and accepted. If you feel emotionally exposed or chronically misunderstood, it’s incredibly hard to want intimacy.

There’s a moment in every hard conversation where you have a choice:
Do you say what you’re really feeling—or do you go with the safer, sharper edge?

Most of us choose the latter.
We get frustrated.
We feel annoyed.
We sound angry.

Not because that’s the deepest truth—
but because it feels less vulnerable than saying something like:

“I’m scared you don’t love me anymore.”

When couples sit down to repair after a painful moment, one of the most common pitfalls is blending two very different conversations into one:

1. How I apologize for the hurt I caused

2. What was going on for me that led me to act the way I did

At first glance, it seems efficient to talk about both at once. But in reality, combining them often backfires.

We’ve all done it.
Your partner seems upset, so you say something like:

• “You’re angry.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “You’re just jealous.”

It might feel like you’re trying to name what’s going on and get the conversation moving. But instead, you watch their defenses rise and the discussion turn into a fight.

In many heterosexual relationships, there’s a dynamic I see in my therapy office again and again:
For many men, sex is love.

That doesn’t mean it’s the only way they experience love, but it’s often the most direct, embodied, and reliable way they feel emotionally connected to their partner. For them, sexual intimacy isn’t just about physical pleasure—it’s about pair bonding, reassurance, and feeling close.

Talking about sex might be one of the most vulnerable things you can do in a relationship. Not because sex itself is inherently taboo—but because at its core, talking about sex means talking about you. Your desires. Your fears. The parts of you that most crave connection, and the parts that most fear rejection.

It’s no wonder so many couples avoid these conversations altogether.

We often think of ADHD as a diagnosis marked by distractibility, impulsivity, and trouble focusing. This is a great way of thinking of individual ramifications of ADHD. But one of the most overlooked — and arguably most disruptive — aspects of ADHD in relationships is emotional dysregulation.

Ever find yourself in an argument with your partner that started over dishes, and suddenly you're rehashing a disagreement from three years ago, referencing your in-laws, and wondering how you got here?

Welcome to the chaos of disorganized fighting.

I was writing another article when I realized that I had no article I’ve written specifically on timeouts. This is a quick primer on how to do them well, and it starts with having an agreement on doing a timeout well before you need it. Don’t do the fire drill during the fire.

You can love your partner deeply and still feel like you’re two ships passing in the night.
That experience isn’t always about emotional distance — sometimes it’s just life.
Really demanding, nonstop, relentless life.

It used to be that we compared ourselves to the neighbors.. . . But today? We compare our relationships to strangers on the internet — to perfectly edited reels, curated couples photos on Instagram, and scripted TikToks designed to give the illusion of spontaneous romance.

And that comparison is costing us more than we realize.

As a couples therapist, I spend a lot of time helping my clients understand their emotional reactions, relationship dynamics, and how to navigate conflicts healthily. But here’s something you might find reassuring (or maybe surprising): I deal with the very same challenges in my own relationship.

Many couples are familiar with the concept of love languages—the idea popularized by Gary Chapman that each of us has a preferred way to give and receive love, such as words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or receiving gifts. Discovering your own love language can be incredibly valuable. It helps you communicate your emotional needs clearly and effectively to your partner.

If you've ever felt stuck in repetitive arguments, misunderstood, or emotionally disconnected in your relationship, you're not alone. Most couples find themselves cycling through familiar frustrations, often because they're not addressing the real underlying emotions or needs that fuel these patterns. But what if there was one simple question that could completely transform your communication?