On the surface, people-pleasing seems like a positive trait. After all, who wouldn’t appreciate someone who’s agreeable, accommodating, and always focused on making others happy? But in my experience as a therapist, people-pleasing often comes with hidden costs—especially within intimate relationships.
If you frequently find yourself putting aside your own needs to avoid conflict, or you're always bending over backward to keep your partner happy, you may be engaging in what therapists call “fawning” or “co-dependency.” And while you may mean well, your efforts to please might actually be backfiring, creating an emotional cycle that's ultimately damaging to both you and your relationship.
What Exactly Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing, also called fawning, is a behavior pattern often rooted in anxiety or fear of rejection. At its core, it's a strategy aimed at keeping peace and gaining approval by prioritizing others’ desires and minimizing your own. It's one of the four major responses (fight, flight, freeze, and fawn) triggered when you’re emotionally overwhelmed, anxious, or stressed—what therapists refer to as the "Four F's".
But here’s the tricky part: While people-pleasing temporarily reduces anxiety by smoothing over conflicts or avoiding emotional discomfort, it can also initiate a harmful emotional cycle. In fact, what feels initially calming may become unproductive and damaging in the long run.
1. You’re Not Being Authentic
When you're constantly trying to meet someone else's expectations, you're essentially hiding your true self. Your real emotions, desires, and opinions remain invisible. Over time, your partner may sense that they're not fully seeing or knowing you, leading to emotional distance rather than closeness. Authenticity, even when uncomfortable, is essential for genuine intimacy. As I mention in my post on healthy communication in couples, speaking openly about your true feelings—even vulnerable ones—is crucial for deeper connection.
2. Resentment Builds
While people-pleasers might initially feel like they’re protecting the relationship, constantly giving in and hiding your needs often leads to resentment. When your needs continually go unmet, frustration, anger, and emotional exhaustion begin to build beneath the surface, creating tension and conflict later. If resentment isn't addressed, it can turn into destructive patterns of communication—exactly what you were trying to avoid in the first place.
3. It Creates Imbalance and Co-Dependency
A relationship thrives when there’s a balance of emotional give-and-take. People-pleasing disrupts this balance, fostering co-dependency—where your identity, sense of worth, or happiness depends heavily on your partner’s approval or emotional state. Instead of two emotionally healthy individuals, the relationship becomes one-sided, potentially causing emotional fatigue for both of you.
4. It Perpetuates Unhealthy Patterns
People-pleasing (or fawning) is an emotional survival response. Your nervous system believes it's protecting you, but in reality, it's reinforcing a problematic emotional cycle. If your partner gets used to you always smoothing things over or avoiding conflicts, they might unconsciously expect you to always adapt, leaving little room for mutual problem-solving and growth.
For more on breaking unhealthy patterns, you might find helpful insights in my blog post "Identifying Your Relationship Triggers".
How to Break Free from the People-Pleasing Cycle
1. Notice Your Patterns
The first step is awareness. Notice when you're slipping into people-pleasing behaviors. Ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or am I afraid of conflict, rejection, or disappointment?”
2. Identify the Emotions Beneath Your People-Pleasing
People-pleasing often masks deeper feelings of fear, anxiety, or insecurity. As I explain in my post about "calming yourself after being triggered", recognizing your deeper emotions is critical to stopping the fawning response and starting to communicate honestly.
3. Practice Healthy Communication
Start sharing your authentic feelings—even when it feels risky. Use gentle honesty instead of automatically smoothing things over. For example, instead of automatically agreeing, say, “I’d like to consider other options before we decide.” My article on "giving feedback without fighting" offers practical guidance for expressing your true feelings in a productive, non-confrontational way.
4. Set Clear, Compassionate Boundaries
Boundaries help define who you are and protect your emotional health. While people-pleasers often fear boundaries will drive people away, in reality, boundaries create safety and clarity in relationships. It can be as simple as saying, “I can’t take that on right now, but I’m here to support you in other ways.”
5. Consider Professional Support
Changing deeply ingrained patterns like people-pleasing can feel challenging. Professional counseling, especially couples therapy, can help both partners better understand each other's emotional triggers and develop new ways to communicate authentically. If you'd like support, you can reach me through my contact page.
Embracing Authenticity Over People-Pleasing
Relationships flourish when both partners feel safe enough to show their authentic selves—flaws, fears, needs, and all. People-pleasing, while well-intentioned, ultimately prevents this authenticity and creates emotional cycles that can drive partners apart. By acknowledging your people-pleasing patterns and choosing authentic vulnerability instead, you’ll build deeper intimacy, trust, and emotional safety in your relationship.
If you need to find another way instead of people pleasing, but find these conversations challenging, I’m here to support you. You can reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or schedule a free consultation online.
Remember: your relationship doesn't need you to be perfect—it needs you to be real.