I’m not sure where this desire to “not go to bed angry” came from, but I’ve heard it in the majority of weddings I’ve attended. There’s a lot of attention on going to bed angry as a particularly bad thing. Let me relieve you of some of that burden: There are worse things you can experience in your marriage.
Part of what is difficult about going to bed angry is that it makes getting to sleep difficult. You toss and turn thinking about how the other person has wronged you. You feel that righteous anger inside that’ll really set them straight. So I can understand why going to bed feels particularly torturous. But here’s something that going to bed mad may keep you from doing that’s far worse: staying up and arguing.
Going To Bed Angry: It Could Be Worse
Imagine instead of going to bed angry after saying all kinds of rude, hurtful things, that you go to turn your internal dial to “11” and keep arguing. Which one’s worse? In your mind, continuing to argue may resolve things. It may finally get them to understand how wrong they are. But does it work?
And here’s what may happen instead. Both of you may:
Become more tired
Think less clearly.
Get angrier
Get more triggered
Say worse things
Get more hurt.
If you’re angry and wanting to “Drop some truth” to your spouse so that both of you go to bed with more “truth” in your heads, ask yourself how well that’s worked in the past. “The truth” when you fight is often mixed in with a tone or mannerism that tells your spouse that you’re fighting back. So ask yourself how another round of fighting will help your relationship.
Instead of fixating on not going to bed angry, I ask my clients to think about what would help calm the situation down. Focusing on calming reduces the energy inside you and helps reduce the fighting and will help you get to sleep! I will say this again - focusing on calming will help you reduce the chance you’ll get to bed angry as well as reduce the fighting.
A laudable goal of resolving the argument may be pushing you to keep fighting. Ironic? It makes sense - for 85% of couples, one person is the pursuer and the other person is the distancer. There’s no crime in being either. Pursuers look to “finish the discussion” as a way of reducing relationship distress. Distancers use the strategy of pausing an argument and using natural decay of energy to reduce distress.
Calm Your System Instead.
In order to calm your system (both inside of each person and between the two people), both people need to agree to a shared language around calming mechanisms when both of you aren’t fighting. Then use this shared language during your arguments to agree to pause the escalating conversation *and* resume at an agreed upon time to check in. Here’s what it can look like.
Jim: Well, that went horribly.
Linda: You’re right about that. It feels like I’m going crazy again. We were definitely doing our thing.
Jim: What can we do? Can we pause when we think we’re about to spin out?
Linda: Should I say “I think we’re spinning out?”
Jim: That sounds good. Then how much time should we use before checking in?
Linda: Not sure. That depends on how crazy things get. How about in the moment when one of us is saying,”I think we’re doing our thing,” we can follow up with,”Can we meet again in an hour or two hours or 6?”
This is a hard skill to learn. Most couples that come in to see me can agree on the language, but still find they can’t de-escalate in the moment. I get that. If you’ve tried this and it still didn’t work, you might need a couples counselor to help you out of your stuck space. I recommend someone who uses Emotionally Focused Couple’s therapy. If you want to know more about how I think about couples, see my Marriage Counseling page. If you’re in the Minneapolis area, feel free contact me by calling me at 612-230-7171, email through my web form, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute phone call.
Take good care.