When I talk to couples who want to know how to avoid fights, I talk to them about Terry Real's feedback wheel. It’s simple, has 4 steps, but the best part of the feedback wheel is Step 2: The Story I Made Up In My Head. I go into those other steps in another article on how to ask for what you need.
Every couple experiences times where either or both people “make up a story in their heads.” One of the most beneficial things is to let your spouse or partner know the thoughts you struggle with AND let them know you’re also probably “full of crap.” This means that you let them in on your struggle, but also let them know that you KNOW you made this up.
Lars and Cameron have been married for 4 years. After graduate school, they’re buying their first “non-Ikea” furniture. Lars takes longer to form an opinion on the topic of dining tables and chairs, whereas Cameron has no problem forming an opinion and sets the direction on the table purchase, leaving Lars behind, feeling some agreement, yet also disempowered. Here’s their conversation (names, details have been changed. This is not a real couple -it’s representative of what I hear in my office)
Lars: You’ve made very clear what you want and we’ve been marching towards purchasing this table fom Pier 1 and we’ve talked about buying it.
Cameron: Yah! Isn’t that great?
Lars: Well, the story I make up in my head is that I don’t get to have an opinion.
Cameron: But I asked you what you wanted. For the chairs, I said I don’t really care that much, and if you want to buy stuff that’s not what is my priority, that’s ok. I don’t feel that strongly about it.
Lars: Well, it takes me longer to form an opinion. So for the table, I didn’t have an opinion until now. And for the chairs, I feel like if I buy something that’s not your first choice, the story in my head is that I’m responsible for your disappointment. That makes me feel really anxious. I don’t want to feel like it’s going to come back to bite me.
Cameron: Oh, I didn’t know that. You don’t have to be responsible for my happiness.
You’ll notice that Lars used the exact phrase “the story in my head” This disarms the story. It makes a weapon into a stuffed toy that the other person can talk about. It keeps it from being part of the fighting, but allows the other person to know what you’re struggling with. Because if your partner or spouse told you that they struggle with choosing what they want because they will be responsible for disappointing you, wouldn’t that sound different from blaming you for not getting what they want?
Sex: Another Story In Your Head
Here’s a fight that can happen a LOT:
“We’re not having any sex!”
“You never want to be intimate! “
“ It’s like we’re roommates!”
There’s a story that can develop that isn’t likely accurate, or at least the whole truth. Ready for it? Here it goes: We haven’t had sex in X months and the story in my head is that I’m not attractive to you anymore. Does that resonate with you? I wrote an article on talking about your sexual attraction with your partner or spouse. This was written before I started using the language of the “story in your head” but you can understand where the story of “I’m not attractive” comes in.
When you’re talking to your partner or spouse, I encourage you to use the language of “accelerators and brakes” to discuss turn-ons and turn-offs. But if you’ve been struggling with room-mate-itis for years, simply knowing their turn ons or turn-offs may not be enough.
Prepare To Get Vulnerable
Using “The story I make up in my head” is a vulnerability shift for most people. It communicates the humility to say,” I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying this is what I’m struggling with.” It will signal a downshift to the other person to go from blame to discussion of hurt.
When you’re fighting, it can feel really discouraging. It’s not that you’re not compatible. It’s not that you’re emotionally incompatible. It’s that you use language that’s incompatible with relationships. When you blame or criticize the other person instead of telling them how you’re struggling, you incite harm against your relationship. Instead of asking for help, you blame. But instead of doing these things that seem easier or more satisfying at the time, pulling back and doing the “grownup thing” is what you have to do instead.
This is an example of the work that people have to do in relationships. Because it can be easier in the moment to attack back. It can be less vulnerable to just insinuate what they feel instead of asking for something you need. But the work is to tell yourself that it’s the wrong move. That kicking them in the shins when the accidentally step on your toes won’t actually get you what you want.
So what’s the story in your head?
To learn more about how I think about couples in general, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.