Avoiding conversations has become a punch line. From memes to stand-up, we encounter no shortage of jokes about, for example, never answering your phone. It’s your right, of course, to decide you’re not in the mood to talk but this is not a healthy trend.
It’s also not the specific topic I wish to address because there’s another form of avoidance I’ve been witnessing more and more often. Couples are dodging hard conversations. A few may try (in vain) to settle issues via text.
But, more likely, partners are opting to ignore many a proverbial 800-pound gorilla — and some don’t even realize it!
What is a “Hard Conversation”?
Speaking of punch lines, one might argue that every conversation has been a hard conversation over the past 11 or 12 months. Indeed, the pandemic and the lockdowns have complicated things in new ways.
Even so, there are some topics that—in general—have the potential to get difficult. These may include:
Money
Sex/Loss of intimacy
Starting a family/Child-rearing
Relocation
Jobs and careers
Social lives
Feeling neglected
Feeling jealous
Politics
Religion
The variations on these themes are endless. In addition, crises emerge that may provoke you both to choose avoidance. This choice, however, is not always conscious or obvious. Our hidden defense mechanisms can obscure the evasiveness being played out. So, a big first step might be identifying such patterns.
The One Problem You Definitely Have
TLDR: Emotion. Whatever the topic, if you’re avoiding, your emotions are probably hijacking your relationship. Avoidance is a way of fighting. It attempts to reduce distress by “leaving it alone.” After all, isn’t it better when you can pause so heads are calm? So your avoidance is a way you probably cope with the overwhelm of fighting, criticism, complaint, or nagging of your partner. But it’s still fighting, and likely exacerbates the distress that you started out with.
But you’re not alone. Avoidance in combination with “pursuit” is present in about 85% of heterosexual relationships. (I’ve tried finding the incidence in same-sex relationships, but I can’t find research on that.) Avoidance probably has worked for you in the past to relieve the immediate discomfort or “danger” of a hard conversation. The problem is avoidance is probably driving your partner to pursue you harder because avoidance is often taken for abandonment.
3 Signs You Might Be Avoiding a Hard Conversation
1. Passive-Aggression on the Rise
Something is on your mind and on your partner’s mind. Direct communication is not happening, but feelings are simmering.
Frequently, this results in a few unproductive behaviors. From eye-rolling to subtle insults, you play out your resentment in ways that seem like they’ll lower the stakes.
2. Fighting Over “Small Things”
The “simmering” mentioned in sign #1 can also bubble up in more aggressive ways. The avoidance is still in full effect, but that is not preventing conflict. Arguments arise and multiply.
What you’re arguing about may seem minor, silly even. But it’s serving a poor replacement for what you really need and want to talk about.
3. Avoidance, in General
As times pass and the difficult conversation is still not addressed, it may feel easiest to practice a general form of avoidance. Technically, you could lump this under “passive-aggression,” but it’s another level.
The two of you may always have something else to do whenever it appears likely that you’d be in a position to talk. Suddenly, your focus is everyone except your partner.
A Few Basic Suggestions When Having That Hard Conversation
Set ground rules
Practice active listening
Don’t interrupt
Don’t compete or try to “win”
Avoid “you” statements
Check your body language
All the above, and more, are tried and true communication techniques. The idea is to prepare before you enter into this experience. You wouldn’t shop for a device or car without doing some due diligence first. Treat your hard conversations as a chance to learn, grow, evolve, and also discover new things about your partner. If all this feels and sounds like it’s beyond your current skill set, ask for help (see below).
You May Need Some Pre-Conversation Conversations
All the advice in the world may not be enough to get you and your significant other to broach a specific topic. That’s okay. It’s not unusual, and it’s not unfixable. I’ve worked with countless couples seeking to move past avoidance and toward resolution. Counseling—individual or couples, in-person or via chat—is a powerful tool for:
Enhancing your communication skills
Addressing the underlying issues that led to avoidance
If you are in Minnesota and are looking for couples counseling, I can help. If you want to find out more about how I think about marriages and couples, check out my marriage counseling blog. I offer a free 15-minute phone and a free 30-minute video consultation so you can be comfortable with me as your therapist. You can send me an email via my contact page or call my phone number 612.230.7171.
Take good care.