In every relationship, there are layers of conditioning to unravel. The first step is usually a debunking of all the fairy tale/pop culture myths. From “love at first sight” to “happily ever after,” there’s plenty to address. But even those who enter into a connection with blinders off will face deeper layers to identify.
Our long-term personal patterns will seriously impact our relationships. You might have learned, over the years, to choose evaluating as your method of interacting. This may sound benign on the surface but, unless you learn to relate, you could be sabotaging yourself and your partner.
When You Evaluate in Relationships
To help understand this category, you might consider “evaluate” as a much nicer way to say “judge”. This is not to insinuate that you’re going out of the way to find fault. It’s just that this is your partner. You feel bonded to them. But yet, they are (of course) different from you.
They see and live their own version of reality. This can cause you to silently evaluate them and behave in a certain way toward them. For example:
Comparing them to others—especially past partners or anyone you may find attractive.
Trying to change them to fit into your expectations and preferences.
Trying to control them in small, subtle ways.
Criticizing them for simply being them.
Losing patience.
Listening, but only to confirm what you already think.
Over-analyzing and pick apart what they do and say.
Engaging with less empathy, acceptance, and open-mindedness.
The above list may sound obvious, but that’s not always the case. You can judge someone without even knowing you are. It requires self-awareness to identify your own patterns.
Also, when you become an evaluator, you are inadvertently creating a separation between you as a couple. Left unaddressed, this schism can lead to profound problems.
When You Relate in Relationships
You can probably guess where this section is headed. To relate to someone—especially your partner—is to lead with curiosity and compassion. You understand and accept that you are two independent humans who have formed a relationship.
Compromise and patience are required. Communication is essential. You are relating in your relationship if you see yourself partaking in behaviors like this:
You allow yourself to be with them without distraction (yes, that means putting away your phone).
Feeling and expressing gratitude.
Your focus is not primarily on ways in which you are different.
You appreciate them and let them know you do.
Assigning value to solo time and social time away from each other.
Being there when they are struggling.
Even when you disagree, interacting with respect and a willingness to hear them out.
Again, no two people see the world in the same way. You each bring different viewpoints and perspectives to your bond. To relate is to accept this reality, even if you don’t always agree or even understand.
Okay, But How Do I Change?
Calling yourself out for counterproductive behaviors is tough work. You’ll have blind spots to overcome. Also, you may not want to see yourself as someone who’d judge or control their beloved partner. This is why so many individuals and couples choose therapy. I’ve worked with plenty of couples who have felt a disconnect but couldn’t recognize the source.
Your weekly sessions are where you (and I) do the work to bridge this gap. Together, we can help heighten your self-awareness — a crucial first step. From there, you’ll hone your communication skills. Being able to talk about your differences in a healthy and safe manner creates a positive relationship cycle.
Go to my page on marriage counseling to find out more about how I do couples counseling. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.