Relationships, in their varied forms, are an intrinsic part of human existence. At their core, they are systems of energy exchange—intangible transactions of emotions, time, and attention. If you’re like me, you may hate it when the word “energy” is used without units of measure. Hear me out.
We use energy to transmit information. We use energy to vibrate the air and send words. We use energy to express our emotions. We use energy to activate our mirror neurons to understand what others are feeling. Just like other systems like an airplane, that energy must be controllable to be predictable and useful to us. Nowhere is this energy dynamic more evident than during conflicts.
Let's unravel the intricate dance of energy in relationships, especially when survival responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—are activated, and understand how to manage this energy effectively.
The Relationship Energy Matrix
Imagine relationships as intricate energy grids. When all is well, the energy flow is stable—both partners give and take, fostering mutual respect and understanding. However, during a conflict, energy input can surge unexpectedly. When one person surges, the other person can surge in response. These surges, if unchecked, can overwhelm the system, leading to a breakdown in control. What follows is a communication and connection breakdown.
Such sudden bursts of energy often arise from deep-rooted triggers. These triggers activate our primal survival responses, pushing us into modes that prioritize immediate safety over long-term resolution.
Survival Responses and Their Impact on Relationships
Let's delve deeper into these survival responses:
Fight: This is an aggressive stance, where one feels the need to dominate or control the situation. It might manifest as shouting, blaming, or even physical aggression.
Flight: Here, one seeks to escape the conflict. This could manifest as avoidance, withdrawal, or shutting down. Flight, in its most raw form can be a simple physical departure.
Freeze: The individual becomes paralyzed or numb, unable to respond or communicate effectively. This can be thought of as “overwhelm” or “flooding.”
Fawn: This involves people-pleasing or appeasing behaviors, sacrificing one's needs to placate the other. You can see this when children start ramping the pitch of their voice even in the same sentence.
When these responses activate, rational communication takes a backseat. The energy spike caused by these reactions can be so sudden and intense that it feels beyond our control. As a result, couples often depart from their typical, controlled interactions and enter a realm of unpredictability. In aircraft parlance, you are “departing controlled flight”
Beyond The Capacity: The Energy Overflow
When the energy pumped into the system (the relationship) surpasses its capacity to manage or dissipate it, things can spiral out of control. Words are said in the heat of the moment, actions are taken without foresight, and the very foundation of the relationship can shake.
The issue isn't that these survival responses exist—they're a part of our evolutionary design. The challenge lies in recognizing their activation and managing their impact.
Regulating the Energy: Path to Resolution
To maintain a harmonious relationship, it's essential to manage these energy surges. Here's how:
Awareness: Understand your triggers. Recognize which events, words, or actions activate your survival responses. Awareness is the first step towards control.
Pause and Breathe: When you feel the surge of energy, pause. Take deep breaths. This simple act can provide a brief buffer, allowing you to decide your next step consciously.
Communicate: Let your partner know when you're triggered. It's not just okay to pause - it’s essesntial. I help couples de-escalate fights.
Seek Understanding: Remember that your partner might also be operating from a triggered space. Seek to understand their feelings and perspective. Mutual empathy can reduce the energy surge.
External Support: Sometimes, the energy within the relationship system is too chaotic. In such cases, external support, like couples therapy or counseling, can provide tools and techniques to restore balance.
Final Thoughts
Relationships, with their intricate web of emotions, are complex energy systems. While conflicts are natural, letting them push us into primal survival modes can challenge the very essence of the relationship. By understanding these survival responses and effectively managing the energy they introduce, couples can navigate conflicts with more grace, empathy, and understanding.
In essence, every relationship has its energy dynamics. By becoming conscious custodians of this energy, we can foster connections that thrive, even in the face of challenges.
If you are finding yourself overwhelmed by the energy in your system, get help! If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.