Sometimes people say “Well, to be a professional, you’d have to judge me somehow.”
I understand the sentiments. I understand that people feel like they’d be opened up to criticism somehow if they go into couples counseling. I do bring experience and training into the sessions. The distinction I draw is that I’m discerning what’s going on. I’m not trying to judge the people involved.
People respond a certain way for a reason. Are you feeling angry and critical that your spouse is doing X, Y, or Z? Well, they’re probably criticizing you or minimizing you or being non-responsive. Are you finding yourself getting defensive and emotionally inaccessible? Your partner is probably throwing a lot of criticism your way. People respond a certain way for a reason. I help people understand their current responses and change their responses so they can do it more effectively.
My Role In a Nutshell
I’ll use a few similes to help people understand what I do. One of my favorite ones is that I’m like a ballroom dance instructor. You’re using a process in your marriage or relationship that isn’t working. Much like a dance between two people where you’re stepping on each other’s toes, I’m pointing out where you guys are getting tripped up. I’m pointing out where you aren’t communicating. I’m pointing out where one person’s communication is actually causing a behavior in the other person that isn’t helpful.
When Communication Isn’t Helpful
Sometimes I’m helping you see vulnerable emotions in one another. Because often times anger starts aggravating the other person and distracting them, pain doesn’t get the attention it often needs. One person suffers their pain, and in response, expresses anger, which then distracts the other person. I have a post on how frustration can ramp up arguments.
So what is the big deal about anger covering up other emotions? I tell clients that when anger enters the room, it takes up all the attention. Anger helps us either push the other person away or bust through their defenses. The net result is that the person expressing the anger finds themselves flummoxed that their message isn’t getting through. That’s right - the anger is actually taking up all the attention.
In truth, pain is only one emotion that can get short shrift when anger enters the room. Some other common emotions are anxiety, fear, doubt, loneliness. Whenever these emotions come up, they often get covered up by anger because it’s easier to feel anger than it is those other, more vulnerable emotions.
Irritation Annoyance And Frustration
Are you saying right now that you aren’t angry? Are you instead feeling irritation, annoyance, or frustration? Here’s a super-secret couples therapy fact: They all have the same function. They differ in intensity, with annoyance on the low intensity end and anger and rage on the high intensity side, but they function the same way.
All of these anger-like emotions function to shield you from feeling more vulnerable emotions, like fear, doubt, sadness, or loneliness. There are others that are also vulnerable, but these are really common ones I see in couples therapy.
Respect
The one thing I do have for couples that come in is respect. All the couples that have come in have a willingness to set their egos aside and walk into a process that takes effort and vulnerability. Even if one person gets characterized as “being the problem” in the marital conflict, most of the time, both people are to blame for perpetuating their cycle. So to come in and lay out their private business in the service of a different future is courageous. I only have respect for courage.
Check out my marriage counseling page to see how I think.If you are wanting help in your marriage, and would find it helpful to have an experienced professional to assist, contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.