Understanding Triggers in Relationships: A Perspective from Evolutionary Psychology and Modern Therapy Approaches

A significant concept that often surfaces in therapy is the idea of "triggers" in relationships. These triggers, which evoke reactions such as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, are deeply rooted in our evolutionary past. They were essential for our ancestors' survival but can be detrimental in modern romantic relationships. I’m going to be examining these triggers, drawing insights from Relational Life Therapy by Terrence Real and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) by Susan Johnson.

The Evolutionary Roots of Triggers

The four primary triggers - fight, flight, freeze, and fawn - were critical survival mechanisms for early humans. They are part of our innate response system to perceived threats:

1. Fight: Confronting the threat aggressively.

2. Flight: Escaping from the danger.

3. Freeze: Staying motionless to avoid detection.

4. Fawn: Attempting to please or placate the threat to avoid conflict. See my post on Fawning.

These responses are hardwired into our brains, forming part of the limbic system's rapid reaction pathway. In prehistoric times, these responses were often life-saving.

Triggers in Modern Relationships

In contemporary relationships, these primitive responses manifest differently. A partner's critical comment might trigger a 'fight' response, leading to an aggressive verbal confrontation. A perceived emotional threat could evoke a 'flight' response, where one partner withdraws. The 'freeze' reaction might surface during a heated argument, where one becomes emotionally unresponsive. 'Fawn' is seen when a partner overly accommodates or appeases to avoid conflict.

While these responses were adaptive for our ancestors, they often lead to unhealthy dynamics in modern relationships. They hinder effective communication, emotional intimacy, and problem-solving.

Insights from Relational Life Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy

1. Relational Life Therapy (RLT) by Terrence Real:

   • RLT emphasizes the importance of recognizing and owning these primitive responses. Real advocates for authenticity and vulnerability in relationships, encouraging partners to acknowledge their triggers and the underlying fears or insecurities.

   • The therapy focuses on promoting relational maturity, moving away from reactive patterns towards a more thoughtful and compassionate interaction. It involves identifying the deep-seated narratives and beliefs that fuel these triggers and working to reframe them constructively.

2. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) by Susan Johnson:

   • EFT, developed by Dr. Susan Johnson, underscores the significance of emotional bonding and attachment in relationships. It views triggers as manifestations of deeper attachment fears and needs.

   • The therapy aims to create a secure emotional bond between partners. By understanding and responding to each other's emotional cues and underlying attachment needs, couples can break the cycle of triggering and reactive behaviors.

   • EFT encourages exploring and expressing emotions in a safe and nurturing environment, fostering a deeper emotional connection and understanding.

Managing Triggers for Healthier Relationships

1. Awareness and Acknowledgment:

   • The first step in managing triggers is awareness. Recognizing when a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response is activated is crucial.

   • Acknowledging these responses and understanding their evolutionary roots can help de-escalate situations and foster a more rational approach to conflicts.

2. Communication and Vulnerability:

   • Open communication about triggers is vital. Partners should feel safe to express their feelings and fears without judgment.

   • Vulnerability plays a key role in this process. Sharing one's insecurities and underlying emotions can promote empathy and understanding.

3. Therapeutic Interventions:

   • Techniques from RLT and EFT can be particularly helpful. Whether it's through couple's therapy or individual reflection, understanding the deeper emotional needs and relational patterns can transform how partners respond to each other.

4. Creating a Safe Emotional Space:

   • Establishing a relationship where both partners feel emotionally safe and secure is fundamental. This environment allows for the healthy expression and management of triggers.

Understanding the evolutionary basis of triggers in relationships provides valuable insight into why we react the way we do. While these responses were crucial for our ancestors' survival, in modern relationships, they often lead to dysfunction. I am an EFT-trained therapist and incorporate a lot of RLT concepts in my work. I help many of my couples transform their instinctive reactions into opportunities for growth and deeper bonding in our relationships.

If you are needing help from a trained marriage and family therapist who specializes in couples, contact me. If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.