A zero-sum game is when one person's win is exactly the same as another person's loss. In simpler terms, it's like thinking that for you to get something good, someone else has to give something up. When you look at relationships this way, it can cause some pretty big problems:
Turning into rivals instead of teammates: Imagine seeing your partner as someone you have to beat instead of someone you're teaming up with. This could mean arguing over who spends what money or who does more chores, making everything a competition.
Forgetting to be there for each other: Relationships should be about cheering each other on and helping out when things get tough. But if you're stuck in a zero-sum mindset, you might hold back on support or feel jealous of your partner's wins, worried it might mean less for you.
Fights getting out of hand: Instead of solving disagreements together, you might start to see every argument as a fight you need to win. This can make small problems turn into big battles, with both of you more focused on winning than making up.
Building up bad feelings: If you always feel like you're losing out in the relationship, it's easy to start feeling resentful or like you can't trust your partner. It's about feeling like you're always second best or that your needs don't matter as much.
Losing sight of what's really important: The best parts of being together, like sharing dreams and making each other happy, can get lost if you're always thinking about who's winning or losing. You might miss out on creating great memories or achieving goals together because you're not working as a team.
Making your relationship transactional: “I’ll only look after the kids during your girls weekend if you give me 71.5 hours in the ‘bank’ so I can spend time with my buddies for Monday night football.” Does that make you feel “ick?” It should. Only getting something in exchange for something else is what you do in a store. My hope for the couples I see is that they’d be willing to do that because it would help make their spouse happy.
Talking past each other: Good communication is all about finding solutions that work for both of you. But with a zero-sum game mentality, conversations can turn into negotiations where you're both trying to get the most for yourselves, not what's best for the relationship.
Shifting away from seeing your relationship as a zero-sum game means working together, understanding and supporting each other, and finding solutions that make you both happy. It's about thinking as a "we" instead of a "me vs. you," which is a lot healthier and way more fun.
If you are needing help from a trained marriage and family therapist who specializes in couples, contact me. If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.