Asking for help can be a challenging task, especially if you’re someone who identifies as a recovering people pleaser. People pleasers are often trained, consciously or unconsciously, to focus on the needs of others while sidelining their own. The idea of reaching out for support can feel foreign, even daunting, but in a relationship, asking for help isn’t just a practical necessity—it’s a powerful act of intimacy that can strengthen your bond.
Let’s explore why asking your spouse or partner for help is not only beneficial but essential for fostering a healthy, connected relationship.
The Challenges of Asking for Help
For people pleasers, the thought of asking for help can trigger a series of internal barriers:
Fear of Burdening Others: There’s a deep-seated fear that asking for help will burden your partner or make you seem needy. This often stems from a belief that your value is tied to how much you can do for others without asking for anything in return.
Self-Reliance as a Shield: Many people pleasers have learned to be fiercely self-reliant as a way to protect themselves from disappointment or rejection. This self-reliance can become a barrier to intimacy, as it keeps your partner at arm’s length, preventing them from truly knowing and supporting you.
Presupposing Your Partner’s Response: There’s a tendency to assume that your partner either won’t help or doesn’t want to be with someone who needs help. This assumption often isn’t grounded in reality but rather in past experiences or internalized beliefs.
While these barriers are understandable, they can prevent you from fully engaging in your relationship. Learning to ask for help is a way to break down these walls and invite your partner into a deeper, more authentic connection.
The Benefits of Asking for Help
You Get the Help You Need
The most immediate benefit of asking for help is, of course, that you receive the support you need. Whether it’s help with household chores, emotional support during a tough time, or assistance with a specific task, your partner is there to share the load. By asking for help, you’re ensuring that you don’t have to shoulder everything on your own, which can prevent burnout and reduce stress.
Building Esprit de Corps
In long-term relationships, it’s crucial to cultivate a sense of teamwork—a shared spirit of collaboration and mutual support. When you ask your partner for help, you’re actively engaging them in your life and showing that you trust them to be there for you. This builds what is often referred to as "esprit de corps," a feeling of pride, fellowship, and common loyalty shared by members of a group. In the context of a relationship, this spirit can be the glue that holds you together through both the mundane and the challenging times.
Allowing Your Partner to Know the Real You
When you ask for help, you’re revealing a part of your true self—your vulnerabilities, your needs, and your limitations. This vulnerability is not a weakness but a pathway to deeper connection. By allowing your partner to see you as you are, you invite them to engage with you on a more intimate level. This authenticity is the foundation of a strong, lasting relationship, where both partners feel seen and understood.
Strengthening Your Relationship by Doing It Together
Perhaps most importantly, asking for help is a way of actively doing your relationship within the relationship. It’s a conscious choice to involve your partner in your life rather than trying to power through alone. When you ask for help, you’re not just solving a practical problem—you’re reinforcing the idea that your relationship is a partnership. You’re acknowledging that you’re in this together, and that your partner’s support is a crucial part of your shared journey.
By stepping away from the assumption that you have to do everything on your own, you open the door to a more balanced, equitable relationship. You allow your partner to step up, contribute, and feel valued for their role in your life.
Overcoming the Fear of Asking for Help
If you’re struggling with the idea of asking for help, here are a few strategies to ease into the practice:
Start Small: Begin by asking for help with minor tasks or favors. This can help you build confidence in your ability to ask for and receive support without overwhelming yourself or your partner.
Communicate Your Needs Clearly: When asking for help, be specific about what you need and why. Clear communication can prevent misunderstandings and help your partner understand how they can best support you.
Acknowledge Your Partner’s Efforts: When your partner does help, express your appreciation. This positive reinforcement encourages a cycle of support and gratitude that can strengthen your bond.
Reflect on the Positive Outcomes: After receiving help, take a moment to reflect on how it improved your situation and your relationship. This can help reinforce the idea that asking for help is not a burden but a benefit to both you and your partner.
Asking for help is more than just a practical necessity—it’s an essential part of building and maintaining a healthy, connected relationship. For those who are recovering from a lifetime of people-pleasing, this can be a difficult habit to cultivate, but the rewards are well worth the effort.
When you ask for help, you invite your partner into your life in a meaningful way. You build a stronger, more resilient relationship, grounded in mutual support and understanding. Most importantly, you create a dynamic where both partners can thrive, knowing that they don’t have to face life’s challenges alone.
If you’re struggling with this aspect of your relationship and need guidance, I’m here to help. Reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation. Together, we can work on building a relationship that’s grounded in trust, collaboration, and mutual support.