I was writing another article when I realized that I had no article I’ve written specifically on timeouts. This is a quick primer on how to do them well, and it starts with having an agreement on doing a timeout well before you need it. Don’t do the fire drill during the fire.
3 Things To Remember
Have a conversation about timeouts when you’re not fighting. Find language that doesn’t feel critical to either person. Try it out in your conversation. If one of you was raised with “time out” being some kind of punishing word, then don’t use that. In that case, find a “safe phrase.” Some examples of safe phrases: We’re on our hamster wheel; We’re on our race track. We’re in Bob’s Burgers. We are having a red flag.
When you actually do the time out, couple that phrase with language that indicates you want to give your partner attention but need the timeout to do it. Here’s an example: Look, I think we’re on our race track right now and I want to hear you out, but I’m really overwhelmed. Can we timeout until we put the kids to bed?
Ask for a time to resume. DO NOT SKIP this step. In most heterosexual couples, there is one person who is a pursuer (who wants to reach a resolution to a root-cause of an argument) and a distancer (who tends to avoid conflict). If you do not ask for a time to resume, it will just look like avoidance. Timeouts are NOT a tool of avoidance because you are asking for a resumption in conversation. Timeouts are a tool for increasing efficacy of healing conversations. When it comes time to resume, check in! One of you might not be able to resume because you’re still in one of your 4 F’s. Ask for another check in time in the future. May I suggest just asking for the next day?
One more thing:
This is hard. You might at first only be able to “yell” your time out. A lot of us therapists (me included) are guilty of presenting what we want to you eventually be able to do (the ideal), and in so doing setup a situation where you feel inadequate because you’re not doing it right. Don’t worry about perfection. Just do it. Be as intentional as you can be, but try. Here’s how the first step looks:
Go to your partner right now and ask for a plan to use timeouts: “Hey, you know how we hate fighting? Can we figure out a way to do timeouts? I read this article on how to do timeouts and I’d like to setup a plan. That’s the first step. Can we do that? You’re busy now? How about in an hour? Ok, great, thanks!”
If you’re needing help with your fights, I’m here to help. I’m just west of Minneapolis in Edina. It’s best to email me via my contact page or scheduling a free 30-minute consultation where you can pick my brain and see how I would help you with your relationship. I look forward to helping you find a better way -together.