It would seem futile to create a definitive list of all the attributes needed to make up a healthy, strong relationship. Even so, I wonder how long that list would be before it included “validation.” As important as it is, validation is often underrated and misunderstood. Meanwhile, it is something we all crave.
Validation takes place when you recognize a person as someone with their own values, opinions, and thoughts—whether or not you agree with them. When you validate someone, they feel heard. They feel understood. They feel appreciated. When it comes to couples, validation also increases closeness and intimacy.
A Vehicle for Relationship Success
Inevitably, you and your partner will disagree. You will argue. No two people see things the exact same way. Conflict is based on this reality. Validation comes into play when you are willing to accept that it’s normal for your partner to see things their own way. Validation within a relationship can offer many benefits, e.g.
Deeper trust
Relationship satisfaction
Regulation of your feelings
Mutual support
Emotional safety
As a component of conflict resolution, validation is essential. The first steps, however, are to recognize this and to find ways to make it happen.
4 Ways to Practice Validation
1. Do Not Mistake It For Agreement
You can validate someone even when you disagree with them. Affirming your partner’s ideas and beliefs is not a compromise of your own ideas and beliefs. Rather, it is a form of respect. You are letting each other know you value your individuality and independence.
2. Do Not Look to “Fix”
A major component of validation is being heard. A major component of being is, well… being heard. You do not have to jump into solution mode. Listening is valuable. If they do not ask for help in fixing something, you are performing a valuable service by mindfully listening.
In order for someone to feel acknowledged, they need to have their concerns discussed and honored. Solutions may come later but that is another step entirely.
3. Learn to Listen, Really Listen
Once you’ve decided to “just” listen, give it all you’ve got.
Pay close attention
Put your devices away and focus
Make eye contact
Resist any form of judgment
Ask unbiased questions
While you’re at it, check your body language, e.g. facial expressions, posture, vocal inflections, etc.
4. Acknowledge and Engage
Make it crystal clear that you hear your partner and are doing the work to comprehend their point of view. Say things like:
“I believe I’d feel the same way.”
“You sound ___.”
“I can understand why this has you feeling ___.”
“How can I help and support you?”
You don’t have to cheer them up and again, fixing is not the goal. In fact, you don’t have to say anything. A hug, a gentle touch, or giving them some time alone might be the exact thing they need to feel validated. They need space to be them. Supplying that space is a powerful sign of your love, your commitment, and your bond.
Validation is a Skill and Can Be Learned
In a world of texts and tweets, certain aspects of healthy communication can get lost in the shuffle. This is yet another way that couples counseling can be crucial. Your sessions serve as a helpful venue to workshop ways to enhance your relationship. Either or both of you can declare you do not feel validated. Therapy is where such conversations take place and take hold.
If you want to hop onto the vehicle of relationship success, let’s connect and get you both started with a life filled with validation. I invite you to reach out today to set up a free consultation.
o learn more about how I think about couples in general, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.