The First Step To Peace In Your Marriage: Recognizing Your Own Pain

The journey towards peace and harmony in marriage begins with the recognition of our own pain. By acknowledging and addressing our inner wounds, we lay the foundation for healing, growth, and a renewed sense of connection with our partners. Here are some of the ways that recognizing your pain helps improve your marriage. . .

The expectations for what roles each spouse needs to fulfill in their marriage have never been greater. In modern society, expectations have climbed higher and higher. As a result, there’s more stress in couples and more opportunity for conflict as a result.

I joke with my clients that 100% of my couples have been raised in different households, so injuring one another is inevitable even if you’re the most well-meaning couple. As a consequence, I believe the skill of apologizing is more important than avoiding injury. In fact, if you’re telling yourself you’re doing something to “avoid injury,” you’re likely withdrawing instead, which can cause more harm than good.

Every couple is different. I tell my couples that 100% of my couples have been raised in different households. So of course injuries are inevitable. Different families have different traditions. Different gestures and words carry different meanings. Today, we’re talking about gift giving as a gesture, and specifically, a lack of gift giving.

Relationships are a complex and often emotionally charged aspect of human life. When things get tough, it can be tempting to retreat and withdraw from a situation to gain perspective and make logical decisions. However, this withdrawal can sometimes be mistaken for being more logical- a mistake that can end up damaging the relationship.

Do you get accused of nagging or pestering your spouse or partner in arguments? Do you get a finger pointed at you as being “emotional” or “overreacting?” You may have a specific attachment style that I talk about with my couples called a “pursuit” attachment style.

Vulnerability is a powerful and essential aspect of marriage. Vulnerability is often seen as a sign of weakness in our society, but in marriage, it is a source of strength that fosters intimacy, trust, and emotional connection. It is a key ingredient for a healthy and fulfilling marital relationship, and plays a crucial role in building a strong foundation for long-lasting, meaningful partnerships.

Relationships can be complex, and when issues arise, it is natural to want to fix them quickly. However, the desire to "fix it" can sometimes be detrimental to relationships, causing more harm than good.

Withdrawal is one of the most common and damaging patterns of behavior in romantic relationships. It occurs when one partner becomes emotionally or physically disengaged from the relationship and stops responding to the other partner's attempts to connect. This can be a result of many different factors, including stress, conflict, or emotional wounds from past relationships. However, regardless of the cause, withdrawal can have serious negative effects on a relationship.

How would you feel if you crave closeness but your partner tells you they need more space? This may sound ominous but it’s not necessarily a sign of problems. More likely, you have some attachment style differences to navigate. You see, there’s a whole lot more to relationships than love at first sight and happily ever after. No one writes fairy tales about attachment issues but they should. It would save a lot of us a whole lot of stress. 

“Nits” are lice eggs. They are tiny tiny things, and people have to squint to see them. So being nit-picky is picking on small things about a person or their behavior that may seem unreasonable. So what is it psychologically, though?

Criticism

Developing emotional intimacy with your partner is a skill that can be learned. You will, however, be required to up your game when it comes to attributes like empathy, trust, vulnerability, and communication. The results and rewards are well worth the effort. 

If an imbalance of power exists — even when you don’t consciously acknowledge it — you are at risk of resentment and conflict. These differentials can be virtually invisible dynamics. They can also be shaped by societal norms. Either way, they really need a closer look and a better understanding. 

At the same time, opportunities often emerge out of a crisis. For some couples, it was a time to deepen their bond in the name of surviving the chaos. So yes, the pandemic has most definitely affected marriages. But that impact is as varied and diverse as the people in those marriages themselves. 

They may need constant reassurance, be very controlling, or behave in a manner that is over-sensitive. Perhaps worst of all, you get a sense that they don’t trust you. You didn’t ask for it but the onus is mostly on you to bring this topic to the forefront. Obviously, such a conversation must happen face-to-face. But what else can you do to make the discussion productive and helpful? 

Sure, it might sound New Agey but it also has tangible value in the material world. Whether we are in touch with it or not, we all experience challenges during childhood. More than two-thirds of children experience at least one trauma before they turn 16. These experiences very much influence how we think and behave as adults.

Of course, there is no single trait that automatically trumps the rest. But being on the same mental wavelength can feel magical. It contributes to healthy communication. You have such wonderful conversations. And you’re able to be comfortable with silence when it feels right for both of you. 

Communication is a key element of any relationship. But what happens when your partner appears to actively avoid such interactions? This is not only frustrating. It can leave you feeling neglected and even abandoned. However, if your partner has an avoidant attachment style, this dynamic is not unusual.

Like all emotions, jealousy is normal and basically inevitable in small doses. If handled productively, jealousy can lead to positive outcomes for you and your partner. However, far more often, jealousy is rooted in past issues and can cause a wide range of issues. This is why it is so critical that couples talk openly and honestly about their feelings.