Even soul mates can have rough patches. You’re a couple, of course. But you are simultaneously two individuals. This means two different sets of needs, wants, values, dreams, goals, thoughts, ideas, emotions, and backstories. It is inevitable that some incompatibilities will arise.
The problem is not always the incompatibility. Issues can emerge based on how you each handle your differences and disagreements. Differences in communication can create emotional distance in your relationship. Fights happen but the root causes are ignored.
Left unchecked, emotional distance has the potential to drive a wedge between partners. Therefore, you must recognize the signs and find new approaches.
Some General Signs of Emotional Distance
Apathy towards intimacy and physical affection
Withdrawing from interactions
Not responding to your partner’s emotions
Not showing any engagement when a conflict arises
Showing anger for no apparent reason, picking fights
Being distracted
Not sharing about yourself or your feelings
Showing no interest in making plans or working on the relationship
Ask Yourself These 3 Questions:
I encourage people to think about how they themselves are acting. EFT, a method of couples therapy I use, has a 3-letter acronym: A.R.E. You can use this as a shortcut by asking am I:
Accessible -Am I actually available? Or are meetings always taking precedence over my partner’s needs? Can my spouse reach me even when I’m distressed?
Responsive - This is a bit harder. When they do access me, can I give back? Can I show that I hear and see them?
Engaged - Can I demonstrate in my conversations that they are important to me? Engagement means “am I actually giving appropriate attention to them?”
So, you can learn to recognize distance when you see it. Now what? How do you close the gap?
What to Do When You Sense Emotional Distance in Your Relationship
Identify and Address Unmet Needs
Each of us has needs—as an individual and as part of a couple. This gets tricky when we don’t feel comfortable talking about it. This creates distance when we’re not even in touch with our unmet needs. Another obstacle is that we may be assuming that our partner’s emotional needs (and love language) are the same as ours.
Your differences are valuable and enrich your bond. But they must be identified and honored in order to avoid emotional distance. Couples need to communicate openly, frequently, and directly. Difficult conversations can lead to crucial breakthroughs.
If one or both of you is struggling with these discussions, couples counseling can be a valuable tool (see below).
Pull in the “we” Instead of Just “You” or “Me”
A big misunderstanding that a lot of couples have when they first come into therapy is the importance of the week. Couples are often thinking about what can I do to make things better or what is the other person doing that makes things worse. While that can be important, the most important thing is how you enlist the help of your partner or spouse to solve a problem between you two. The act of enlistment not only solves the problem you're asking them to help you with, it flexes muscles in your relationship that helps you do the relationship better next time. It is a meta-conversation. It leads to lasting change between you two.
Cultivate Independent Lives
Pop culture may give us the impression that happy couples are always together. On the contrary, your solo time is a major part of a healthy connection. Wanting to be on your own does not automatically mean you don’t enjoy spending time with your partner. It’s just that being together all the time can lead to conflict. Everyone needs solo time. How much solo time each of needs is different. Again, communication is the avenue by which you can bridge such gaps.
Yes, an introvert and an extrovert can make beautiful music together. But… this requires you to check-in regularly to make sure both of you are getting what you need. If you sense some distance developing, talk about scheduling in some alone time.
Stress Management and Self-Care
The outside world has a way of impacting your relationship. The events of the past two years, in particular, are enough to strain even the strongest bond. Stress is sneaky. It creeps up on you and makes you feel like crap. But you don’t instantly identify it as the cause. In fact, you may instead blame your partner or relationship.
All of this adds up to an essential need to practice self-care. The more resilient you are against stress, the less it can affect you and your significant other. Make healthy eating choices. Get some exercise every day. Maintain steady sleep patterns. Learn some relaxation techniques. Taking these steps, as a couple, is further protection against emotional distance.
Therapy Can Help
I mentioned it above. Couple counseling is a proven path toward addressing and/or avoiding emotional distance. I’ve worked with countless couples who have struggled with emotional distance. I can help you, too. Let’s talk soon and get the process started.
To learn more about how I think about couples in general, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.