Emotionally focused therapist have an acronym to describe what partners are looking for in “their person”: A. R. E.: Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged. This article is going to walk through what those mean, so you can tweak your emotional stance to help your relationship.
What A.R.E. Means
Here’s what each of the items in the acronym really mean:
Accessible:
Are you reachable? This can be as concrete as “are you physically there?” It can also be more complex like,”When I tell you about something hard at work, are you nodding and continuing to read the paper?”
Responsive:
Can you respond to my emotional needs like they are my individual needs, or are you talking to me like you’re a walking motivational poster? A more subtle form of this is the “fixing it” attitude a lot of men are culturally trained to go into. Sometimes people’s work becomes a training ground for unresponsiveness because work generally doesn’t care about emotionally supporting other people. It cares about what you are doing to fix problems. But let me tell you, that most spouses don’t like being “fixed.”
Engaged:
Do you really care about me? Is my pain (or joy) important to you, or are you doing all this just to shut me up? People have a marvelous radar for their partners. So sometimes I marvel at how something from a 3rd person’s perspective can seem caring, but for the partner feel like another un-engaged response. Being unengaged tells the other person “You don’t matter.”
What Happens When You’re “Not A.R.E.”
If you’re not Accessible, your spouse can often feel abandoned. Being accessible is a basic need for pairing. If you’re not there, you’re not able to meet basic needs of helping ensure safety and making sure your family is thriving. Sometimes not being accessible can look like physically leaving the building. Sometimes, it means not looking up from the paper when your partner talks to you.
If you aren’t Responsive, it can look like giving a canned answer to your partner’s distress. Maybe you’re talking to them, but you’re responding by “fixing it.” or giving blanket aphorisms like,”Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!” Some people get closer to being responsive, but don’t go that last mile, and it still falls flat. “Sorry you’re sad.” (Without looking up from the paper)
If you aren’t Engaged, your partner can feel like you don’t really care. Engagement really requires a back-and forth conversation. Here are some examples:
“But at the same time, it sounds like the neighbor was giving you a compliment!” Often times the intent can be to try to cheer the listener up, but sounds instead like you just want them to stop complaining. That’s dismissive.
How To Get More Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged
Strap in, because this is hard work. You’ll be putting in energy and you’ll be exhausted because you’ll be exercising your empathy circuits. Here are some ways you can prepare to do the work.
Breathe- Believe it or not, taking a deep breath will help. It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which acts to calm your body down. Breathing in deeply, pausing for 4 seconds, then breathing out and holding the exhale is the procedure you can use. I have an article on square breathing helping to calm you down.
Talk through what’s going on for you. Are you shutting down? Is everything inside you trying to flee the situation? Tell the other person that you need some time to calm down your nervous system. It can go something like this: “I really want to hear you, but I’m having trouble when you’re shouting. Read my article on slowing down to go fast.
First, remember A: Accessible. You have to be there in physical form, and you have to be mentally accessible. If you aren’t, ask for more time until you can calm down to re-engage.
Second, remember R: Responsive. Don’t give canned answers. Don’t soud like corporate motivational posters. Connect to the emotional pain that’s underneath your spouse or partner’s anger.
Third, check to make sure you’re Engaged. Are you interested in what’s hurting your partner, or are you just wanting to end the conversation? You MUST be interested in what’s going on for your spouse. If you’re not, ask yourself why not. Are you hurt from a recent fight? Are you overwhelmed? Then take a break and actively calm down. That article on calming down will help you understand more about how to calm down.
Give feedback without fighting. Talk about the “story you make up in your head.” Then talk about the feeling you are getting that is NOT frustration, annoyance, irritation, anger, or rage. Read my article on feedback without fighting. You’ll be using elements of Terry Real’s feedback wheel to help in organizing your communications so that you can keep from fighting.
Get Help
Not everyone changes their own oil. Not everyone repairs their own engine. Getting professional help can help both of you lead a calmer, more satisfying life. If you broke your leg, would you go to the doctor or just kinda wing it?
If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my couples and marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.