It’s important to not repress anger. It’s also important not to hurt your spouse or partner. But how do you communicate when you are angry? There are lots of “pinterest” philosophy missives that tell you that communications is key. But how in the world do you have a productive discussion with your partner when you’re angry? You may be angry with them, angry in general, or both.
Can you tune into the emotions underneath anger? Anger does not have to translate into yelling and worse. However, with self-awareness and commitment, you can improve your ability to communicate in a healthy way despite the feelings bouncing around inside your head.
Why Anger Isn’t Helpful
I tell my clients that when anger enters the room, it takes up all the attention, much to the chagrin of the angry speaker. If you get mad at your spouse instead of telling them that you’re hurt, they don’t tend to pay attention to the pain you’re experiencing. They instead react to the anger. That reaction tends to increase the chance you feel unheard.
Anger takes the place of other, more vulnerable emotions because it either pushes the other person away or “busts through” their defenses. But the problem is, it hurts the relationship and your partner. If you feel your spouse is your enemy, you have to pause or slow down.
8 Ways to Communicate with Your Partner When You’re Angry
1. Be Kind
Let’s start with the fundamentals. Renowned relationship psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, urges couples to start arguments gently. He found that this increases the likelihood of a resolution being reached without damaging the underlying connection.
This is not to imply that kindness cancels out anger. Rather, it sets a tone in which anger can be productively processed and resolved.
2. Set Your Intentions
In a moment of rage, you may wish to crush your opponent. This is kinda-sorta okay on the basketball court, but in most cases, it’s a very unhealthy intention.
Instead, try setting a peaceful intention before you get started on making your point. A peaceful intention does not automatically mean you’ll concede and compromise. It does mean that you will not stray into personal attacks or a desire to “win” at all costs.
3. Be Curious
You’re angry. That doesn’t mean that your spouse is in the wrong. What would happen if you opened your heart and mind to really hearing their point of view? Be curious. Imagine yourself in their shoes.
How do you look and how does your point sound to them? Remove the distance between you and let empathy guide you. Again, this is not a call to submit. It’s a suggestion to practice open-mindedness.
4. If you are seeing your spouse as “the enemy,” you have to pause. You will have to prep for this pause before you get in an argument. Talk about a “safe phrase” both of you can use when you get stuck in an argument or stuck “not talking.”
5. Use “I” Statements
This is an old standard — for good reasons. Start a sentence with “you” during an argument and it’s heard as an accusation. Reframe that sentence to start with an “I” and you’re sharing your perspective and feelings. Big difference.
6. Use The Feedback Wheel. The Feedback Wheel will help disarm the conversation and reduce the chance you will trigger your spouse or partner.
7. Do Not Purposely Push Buttons
It is tempting. Oh boy, it’s so tempting. No one knows your partner triggers like you. How easy it would be to push their buttons and let the fireworks begin. When you’re setting your intentions, make a conscious decision to never sink to this level.
8. Check Your Non-Verbal Language
It’s not just what you say, it’s also:
Posture
Tone and inflection
Facial expressions
Volume
Body language
Be mindful of what you are conveying beyond your words.
8. Apologize If Necessary
One of the most powerful ways to move forward is to sincerely apologize when you are in the wrong. This means acknowledging what you did or said. Express remorse and hold yourself accountable. Then, you do the work to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I have an article on how making apologies more effective
9. Forgive If Necessary
Conversely, when your partner apologizes, be ready to forgive them. This is not the same as condoning their actions. More so, it sends a message that you are ready to work as a team to repair whatever damage occurred.
Do You Need a Communication Coach?
Any or all of the above may sound like “easier said than done” to you. I get it. When things get volatile, you often need help to find a productive path out. That’s why so many couples choose therapy. I’d love to chat with you and arrange to start some sessions to get you and your partner back into a healthy rhythm.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.