Holidays are often celebrated as times of joy, togetherness, and relaxation. However, for those experiencing distress in their marriages, these periods can amplify existing tensions and bring new challenges to the forefront. The contrast between the idealized image of holiday harmony and the reality of a strained relationship can be stark, leading to increased emotional turmoil and stress.
Conflict Around In-Laws
The holidays typically involve more frequent interactions with in-laws, which can be a significant source of tension in a troubled marriage. Disagreements over where and how to spend the holidays, differing family traditions, and the stress of trying to please everyone can exacerbate existing marital issues. When a couple is already dealing with internal conflict, the added pressure of managing relationships with in-laws can lead to arguments and feelings of alienation.
Misalignment in Priorities
Holidays often bring to light differences in what each partner values and prioritizes. One partner might see the holidays as a time for intimate family gatherings, while the other might prioritize socializing with friends or engaging in holiday events. This misalignment can lead to feelings of disappointment and resentment, as each partner struggles to have their needs and preferences acknowledged and met.
Lack of Practical Support
The logistical demands of the holiday season – such as gift shopping, meal preparation, and decorating – can be overwhelming. In a marriage where one feels unable to enlist their partner's help, this burden becomes even heavier. The imbalance in sharing responsibilities can lead to frustration and a sense of unfairness, further straining the relationship.
Inability to Enlist Emotional Support
Perhaps one of the most poignant aspects of distress in a marriage during the holidays is the lack of emotional support. Holidays can evoke deep emotions and memories, and when one feels they cannot turn to their partner for comfort or understanding, it can heighten feelings of loneliness and isolation. The festive atmosphere can make these feelings more acute, as the expectation is to be happy and connected.
Attachment Distress
Distress in a marriage often ties back to attachment issues, where one might feel either overwhelmed by their partner or abandoned by them. During the holidays, these feelings can intensify. The overwhelmed partner might feel smothered by holiday expectations and their partner’s needs, leading to withdrawal. Conversely, the partner feeling abandoned might experience heightened sensitivity to perceived neglect, especially in the context of holiday gatherings and activities where they feel their partner is not adequately present or engaged.
Navigating These Challenges Through Emotionally Focused Therapy
I’m an EFT-Trained therapist that prioritizes understanding underlying emotional processes because those will tend to influence the relationship first and strongest. Here are some recommendations I have based off of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) principles.
Identifying and Expressing Emotions: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) emphasizes the importance of recognizing and expressing underlying emotions. During the holidays, partners should aim to share their deeper feelings, such as fear, loneliness, or insecurity, that might be driving conflicts or feelings of disconnection. This level of emotional honesty can foster a deeper understanding and empathy between partners.
Understanding Attachment Needs: EFT focuses on attachment needs and patterns. Couples should strive to understand and communicate their attachment needs clearly to each other. For instance, if one partner feels abandoned, they should express their need for more emotional closeness and reassurance during the stressful holiday season.
Creating a Safe Emotional Space: It's crucial to create a safe, non-judgmental space where each partner feels comfortable expressing their vulnerabilities. This can involve setting aside time to talk about feelings without distractions or interruptions, providing a foundation for more meaningful and supportive interactions.
Reframing the Problem: In EFT, the problem is seen as the negative cycle in which the couple is stuck, not the individuals themselves. Couples should work together to identify the patterns that lead to distress, such as miscommunication or unmet emotional needs, especially during the high-pressure holiday period.
Fostering Secure Attachment: Secure attachment is the goal of EFT. During the holidays, couples can work on building this by being more emotionally available and responsive to each other. This could mean offering comfort during stressful family interactions or being more present and engaged during holiday activities.
Seeking Professional Guidance: If navigating these issues feels overwhelming, seeking the help of an EFT therapist can be beneficial. A therapist can guide the couple in exploring their emotional patterns, understanding their attachment needs, and developing healthier ways to connect and support each other.
Building Resilience Together: The holiday season, despite its challenges, can be an opportunity for couples to strengthen their bond. By facing and overcoming holiday-related stresses together, couples can build resilience in their relationship, learning how to support each other through other challenges in the future.
Applying the principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy can be a powerful way for couples experiencing marital distress to navigate the challenges of the holiday season. By focusing on emotional awareness, understanding attachment needs, and working to break negative cycles, couples can create a stronger, more supportive, and emotionally connected relationship. Seeking professional help when needed can also provide the guidance necessary to foster a more secure and resilient bond.
If you are finding yourself fighting with your spouse during the holidays and can’t stop your pattern of fighting, get help! If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.