“I’m scared my spouse doesn’t love me anymore,” Is a refrain I’ve heard time and time again as a therapist. But I don’t often hear it in the company of the other spouse. Most often, I hear it in private, when I meet with the members of a couple individually so that I can hear honestly how they experience their relationship. It’s a heartbreaking admission, both for the person saying it and for me. It takes real courage to confront this fear because there is a vulnerability in admitting a fear so great and stakes so high. What if their spouse responds with,“Yes, I’ve lost a lot of love for you?”
The truth of it is, it’s this vulnerability of talking about fear that stands the greatest chance of recovering the love you may have had.
Let’s Talk About Love
We too often use love as a noun. Like some kind of antique lamp you buy at a store. Buy it because it’s beautiful and you hope it lasts. But when it breaks, you’re sad and hope there’s a repair shop that will still fix it. Sound ridiculous? Good. Because I want you to think of love as a verb. You love your spouse. Your partner loves you. You don’t lose it like a set of keys. How does that sound?
Love is a verb
Once we rethink love and use it as a verb, it starts to shift our thinking. It stops becoming something akin to,”I lost my lucky rabbit’s foot!” and gets us to think,“Why have I stopped loving my partner?”
Or
“Why do I no longer feel like my spouse loves me?”
When love is a verb, you can ask better questions about what may be impeding the act of loving your partner. You can ask what is impeding your partner from loving you. Then maybe, maybe you can ask them about what’s getting in the way.
When You Sense Your Spouse Doesn’t Love You Anymore
What is getting you to think you’re not loved?
Are you two ships passing in the night?
Do you get the daily tasks done but feel disconnected?
Have you had longer and longer periods between sexual encounters?
Are you feeling constant irritation and/or criticism from them?
Are you feeling irritable and critical of them?
Does it feel like you’re getting the cold shoulder or a shut down from them?
Are they excusing themselves more and more from the family activities?
The Vulnerable Conversation
I help couples have vulnerable conversations. This is one of those conversations. In daily life, we often try to lower the vulnerability of a conversation because it's risky. What if you asked your spouse or partner "I'm scared that you don't love me anymore? But we don’t do that because we fear that the answer can be “yes, I’ve felt out of love for some time now.”
But without opening that very vulnerable topic, you don’t get a chance to correct any of the bullet items that came up above. You can talk about catching the latest episode of Ted Lasso, but will it really carry the meaning of wanting to reconnect with them? Was watching the Ted Lasso episode even the solution to the problem? What is the problem getting in your way of your love?
Finding A Solution Requires Understanding The Problem
Here lies the final argument for having this very vulnerable conversation. If you are providing a solution, but don't know the problem, you probably don't have the right solution. You may get frustrated that your efforts to talk about feeling unloved are not being recognized. You may feel like your spouse is withdrawing from you, confirming you’re unloved. But if you aren’t having a clear conversation that you are worried they no longer love you, you might be suffering from crossed wires. They may not recognize that conversation you were trying to have.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.