Marriage is a beautiful journey filled with love, companionship, and growth. However, it is unrealistic to expect a smooth ride at all times. Conflicts and disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, and even the happiest couples find themselves embroiled in heated arguments. After a fight with your spouse, it is common to experience a range of negative emotions, including pain. But normalizing that pain is the second step to finding peace in your marriage.
If you’re wondering,”Wait, what’s the first step?” I’ve written an article on the first step to peace in your marriage.
Fighting, Withdrawing, and Stuffing It
If you just came from a fight with your spouse, it may be easy to see yourself in a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. Very likely, you’re triggered and responding to the other person as a threat, not your spouse. Normalizing the pain you feel helps ground you into a more vulnerable state. (Not too many people understand fawning, so I wrote” what is fawning “ and how does it affect couples?)
What’s Important About vulnerability?
When you’re being vulnerable, it is dis-arming to the other person. They are less likely to want to fight with you. When you’re being vulnerable, you’re more likely to say something like,”I’m really hurt that you didn’t ask me what I wanted to eat and just ordered your own food.” Instead of,”You’re always so selfish! You can’t spend 15 minutes without focusing on yourself!”
Which one of those statements are more likely to be met with an “I’m sorry I hurt you.”? If you’re not convinced about the need for vulnerability, here’s a great TED talk from Brenee Brown on the power of vulnerability.
Normalizing Means Giving Yourself a Break
A lot of people downplay or dismiss their own pain, believing that it's a sign of weakness or an overreaction. You may have been taught this in a prior relationship, or even taught this growing up. Normalizing the pain means acknowledging that your feelings are valid and should be addressed. When you dismiss yourself before the other person gets to even address it, your mind can spin and spin and by the time you disclose your hurt to your spouse, it can come out like an attack.
Instead, I’m going to challenge you to tell yourself messages like these:
Of course I’m hurting that they didn’t think of me.
It’s normal to want to connect with my partner.
Of course I’m afraid things aren’t going to work out- this relationship is really important to me.
Wanting to have sexual, intimate connection with a loving spouse is what most people want. (see more about this in “Use These Two Words To Talk About Sex”)
Building Empathy and Understanding:
Normalizing pain in the aftermath of a fight allows couples to develop empathy and understanding for one another. How? There are two mechanisms:
We use the same neural pathways to feel our emotions that we use to understand what others are going through. We have special mirror neurons that take our sensory data, and activate the pathways that we use to feel those same emotions. We understand this when we see someone running for a bus that’s just closed its doors. We can feel our heartrate go up, we may get sweaty palms, and we may hold our breath. Notice that we aren’t the ones running for the bus. But we’re “feeling what they’re feeling.” Normalizing your emotions, will help you normalize your partner’s experience.
When both partners accept the reality that disagreements can cause emotional pain, it becomes easier to empathize with each other's experiences. This is more of a cognitive recognition piece, but powerful nonetheless. By recognizing the pain you feel, you can also open up communication channels to express your emotions more effectively, fostering a deeper sense of understanding and connection.
Encouraging Healthy Conflict Resolution:
Normalizing pain does not mean accepting or perpetuating toxic patterns of communication. On the contrary, it serves as a foundation for healthy conflict resolution. By recognizing and addressing the pain you feel, you create an opportunity for constructive dialogue. This includes actively listening to your spouse's perspective, practicing empathy, and finding common ground. Healthy conflict resolution strengthens the bond between partners and builds trust, paving the way for a more harmonious future.
Promoting Emotional Well-being:
Unresolved pain from past fights can fester and negatively impact emotional well-being. By normalizing the pain you feel after a fight, you take a proactive step towards healing and growth. Ignoring or suppressing your emotions can lead to resentment, stress, and a breakdown in communication. On the other hand, embracing and processing your pain allows for self-reflection, personal growth, and a greater sense of emotional well-being.
Preventing Resentment and Escalation:
Normalizing the pain you feel after a fight acts as a safeguard against escalating conflicts and long-term resentment. Ignoring or dismissing your pain can lead to suppressed emotions, which can build up over time and explode during subsequent arguments. By addressing the pain head-on, you give yourself and your spouse an opportunity to work through the underlying issues, reducing the likelihood of future conflicts and fostering a healthier relationship.
Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability:
Every healthy relationship thrives on vulnerability and emotional openness. By normalizing the pain you feel after a fight, you create a safe space for vulnerability within your marriage. Both partners should feel comfortable expressing their emotions and concerns without fear of judgment or retribution. When couples embrace vulnerability, they lay the foundation for trust, intimacy, and a deeper emotional connection.
Conclusion:
Normalization of pain is an essential aspect of nurturing a healthy, resilient relationship. It is crucial to recognize and address the pain you feel after a fight with your spouse, as it allows for empathy, understanding, and healthy conflict resolution. By normalizing this pain, you foster emotional well-being, prevent resentment and escalation, and create a safe space for vulnerability. Remember, it is through acknowledging and working through the pain that you grow together as a couple and build a stronger, more fulfilling partnership.
If you are in Minnesota, I can help you and your spouse embark on that journey to peace. Let’s set up a free and confidential consultation to get things moving in a positive direction. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.