TLDR: Being Logical isn’t logical when it’s not effective. A lot of the people I meet are high-achieving, high-performance individuals. They’ve performed well in their careers because they’ve been extremely effective problem solvers. But now in their relationships, they’re stymied because they can’t logic their way out of a disagreement about how to load the dishwasher. They find themselves intending to put their spouse’s anxieties to rest. They make really great cases for why their spouse’s concerns won’t make a material difference in their lives, but it causes a fight anyway.
Logic here isn’t serving you well because your fights aren’t about logic. How do I know? Because if it were about logic, you’d have made your respective cases and arrived at an optimized solution for your dishwasher loading. Instead, what you’re finding is that you’re getting into fights about loading the dishwasher because your spouse feels dismissed by you when you say your loading method is optimal. You’re getting into fights about the dishwasher because they don’t feel important when they tell you their priorities. You’re getting into fights because they feel ignored by you despite their protests.
How You Can Get Stuck
I have a post on how couples can get stuck in silly cycles. Cycles operate in lots of “content areas,” even ones that don’t seem consequential. Any of these fights resonate? Squeezing out kitchen sponges, loading the dishwasher, and for a throwback. . . who holds the TV remote? You’re actually fighting because the fight isn’t about silly stuff.
You’re fighting about things that really matter, but are also really vulnerable. Emotions like pain, loneliness, or fear are really hard to sit with, either for you or your spouse. So in reaction, one of you can respond unhelpfully. Sometimes this means responding with irritation, annoyance, frustration, or anger. Sometimes, this means responding with dismissiveness. To work against this cycle, you start here. You always start where you are.
Starting Where You Are.
When I say “starting where you are,” I mean let’s really tune into what’s going on in your relationship. You can sometimes “spin your wheels” in your relationship. You make a case, your spouse makes a case, you make a counter-argument, and it goes round and round but doesn’t really get you anywhere. In this wheel metaphor, you’re dumping a lot of energy by pressing on the gas, but it’s just spinning that wheel and sometimes making you even more stuck.
Most often, even when couples are talking about what seems logical, there is often an underlying emotional process that’s starting to hijack your relationship. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) talks about loops that couples get into because of this emotional process. Don’t get distracted - the fight is almost never about squeezing out the kitchen sponge.
Tuning In
The very first step, and the one that helps you “start where you are,” is tuning in. If you still want to think of relationships as a logic puzzle, you can think of it as defining the problem. And if your spouse or partner say they’re feeling frustrated, annoyed, irritated, angry or engraged, understand that there is likely another, more vulnerable emotion underneath. Emotions like fear, loneliness, hurt, and sadness are difficult to tell the other person, especially if you’re fighting or shutting each other out often. For a more in-depth article on the function of frustration in relationships.
Understanding what the emotional hurt here is important. If your partner is telling you that they’re experiencing something that isn’t frustration, irritation, annoyance, anger or rage, then you may be getting the actual underlying emotion. That’s when you can just reflect back what you’re hearing. It can look like this:
“It sounds like you’re really hurt that I invited our friends on what was supposed to be our date night.”
“I hear that you feel really lonely most days.”
“I see that you’re feeling down. “
“It must be scary to feel so alone.”
Extra Credit
If you are feeling ambitious and you hear a primary emotion like sadness, loneliness, fear, hurt, or sadness, you are in a position where you can offer relief. Sometimes that is giving empathy, sometimes it’s apologizing. There are steps to a good, effective apology that I want you to take. Why? Because you’re going to spend a lot of time and energy - you might as well be effective. I have two articles on apologies. One is how to apologize without saying the word “but.” The other article is on more effective apologies.
An Outside Perspective
Sometimes it helps to have a third party, like a therapist or counselor, to provide a balanced perspective. They can point out when you might be leaning too heavily on logic at the expense of emotional connection. If you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I’m an experienced EFT-trained therapist who has helped many couples with their underlying emotional dynamics. If you want to find out more, check out my thoughts on marriage and relationships. If you’re in Minnesota, you can work with me by contacting me either by phone: 612.230.7171, email me through my contact form.