Sarah walked into the kitchen on Thursday evening and set her bag down with more force than necessary.

"So," she said, her voice tight. "Did you have a good day?"

Mike looked up from his laptop. "Yeah, it was fine. Crazy busy though. Why?"

"Nothing. Never mind."

"Sarah, what's going on?"

"You seriously don't know?"

Mike's stomach dropped as he saw the date on his phone. Her birthday. He'd completely forgotten.

"Oh my God. Sarah, I'm so—"

"Don't." She held up her hand. "You know what? This is exactly what always happens. You always forget things like this. I even helped you set up calendar reminders and you still forget. What does that say about how much I matter to you?"

Mike felt the familiar wave of defensiveness rise up. "You know work's had server problems with their calendar system. It's not my fault! And you know I have ADHD. I forget lots of things—it's not about you."

"Right. Of course. It's never about me. It's the calendar. It's your ADHD. It's always something."

And they're off—locked into an argument that feels familiar, infuriating, and completely beside the point.

The Fight You're Having Isn't the Fight You Need to Have

Let me be direct: This argument about calendars and ADHD is a waste of both of your time and energy.

From a Relational Life Therapy perspective, both Sarah and Mike are operating from their "adaptive child" parts—the reactive, self-protective parts of themselves that show up when they feel threatened. Sarah is criticizing and blaming. Mike is defending and deflecting. Neither one is accessing their "wise adult"—the part that can be honest, vulnerable, and accountable.

From an Emotionally Focused Therapy lens, what we're watching is a classic pursue-withdraw pattern, or what Sue Johnson calls the "protest polka." Sarah is pursuing (through criticism) because she's terrified and trying to get Mike's attention. Mike is withdrawing (through defensiveness and explanations) because he feels inadequate and attacked.

And neither one is saying what they're actually afraid of.

Why a Forgotten Birthday Hurts So Much: It's About A.R.E.

Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, talks about three essential elements that create secure attachment in relationships—what she calls A.R.E.:

Accessible: Are you there for me? Can I reach you?
Responsive: Do you respond to me when I need you?
Engaged: Do you care about what matters to me?

When Mike forgot Sarah's birthday, it wasn't really about the date on the calendar. It was about all three of these attachment needs feeling threatened.

Are you accessible to me? (You seem distracted, unavailable, somewhere else.)

Are you responsive to me? (I sent signals that this mattered—I helped you set reminders—and still nothing.)

Are you engaged with what's important to me? (This ritual matters to me, and you couldn't show up for it.)

This is why rituals matter so much in relationships. They're not about being superficial or materialistic. They're repeated opportunities to answer the A.R.E. questions with a resounding YES. Rituals—birthdays, anniversaries, Friday night dinners, morning coffee together—are the scaffolding that holds up our sense of security. They say: "I see you. I remember you. You matter to me."

When those rituals are forgotten or dismissed, it shakes the foundation.

What Sarah Is Really Saying (But Can't Say Yet)

Underneath Sarah's criticism is a terrified question: "Have you fallen out of love with me?"

That's the fear driving this fight. She's not actually angry about the calendar system or Mike's ADHD. She's scared that she's becoming invisible to him. That she doesn't matter enough for him to remember. That maybe he's checked out of their relationship and this is just one more sign.

But she can't say that. It's too vulnerable. Too scary. So instead, she goes critical: "You always forget." Criticism feels safer than admitting, "I'm afraid I'm losing you."

And here's where Terry Real's work comes in: Sarah also has accountability here. Her adaptive child is running the show, throwing harsh words that make it nearly impossible for Mike to hear what she actually needs. She's operating from her "high horse"—the one-up position where she's right and he's wrong—and that stance kills connection.

Sarah's wise adult needs to get brave enough to say the scary thing out loud.

What Mike Is Really Doing (And Not Doing)

Mike genuinely did forget. His ADHD is real. The calendar issues are real. But here's the hard truth from an RLT perspective: None of that changes his impact.

Mike is hiding behind explanations instead of taking accountability. He's making the conversation about all the reasons it wasn't his fault rather than acknowledging the impact on Sarah. He's operating from his adaptive child too—the part that learned to defend himself, explain himself, make excuses to avoid feeling like a failure.

His wise adult needs to step up and say: "You're right. I forgot. And I can see that really hurt you. Tell me what this brings up for you."

From an EFT perspective, Mike is also missing the attachment cry underneath Sarah's criticism. He's hearing her words as an attack (because they are), but he's not hearing the fear beneath them: "Do I still matter to you?"

If Mike can tune into that—if he can hear the longing for connection underneath the criticism—he can respond to that instead of defending against the words.

The Conversation You Actually Need to Have

Here's what this conversation sounds like when both people get underneath their defenses:

Sarah (vulnerable, not critical): "Mike, when you forgot my birthday, it scared me. I started wondering if maybe you're not as invested in us anymore. Like maybe I'm just not on your radar. And that terrifies me."

Mike (accountable, not defensive): "Oh, Sarah. I hear you. I forgot, and that hurt you, and I'm so sorry. You're absolutely on my radar. You're the most important person in my life. And I can see how forgetting something that matters to you would make you question that."

Sarah: "I need to know that I matter to you. That you're still here with me."

Mike: "You do. You absolutely do. And I want to figure out how to show you that better. What do you need from me?"

Sarah: "I need us to protect the things that matter—like birthdays, our date nights. I need to feel like you're making space for me in your life, not just squeezing me in when there's time left over."

Mike: "That's fair. I want that too. Let's figure out a better system together—one that actually works. And Sarah, I also need your help. When you come at me with criticism, I shut down. I know you're scared, but the 'you always' stuff makes it so hard for me to hear you."

Sarah: "You're right. I do that. I get scared and I go critical. I'll work on saying what I'm actually feeling instead of attacking you."

Both of You Have Work to Do

This is the both/and of good couples therapy:

Sarah, you need to learn to lead with vulnerability instead of criticism. When you're scared, say you're scared. When you feel invisible, say you feel invisible. Give Mike something to respond to besides an attack.

Mike, you need to take accountability for your impact, even when your intentions were good. ADHD is real, but it doesn't absolve you from showing up for the rituals that matter. Find systems that work. Ask for help. Do whatever it takes to make sure Sarah knows she's a priority.

Both of you need to practice getting underneath the surface argument to the real conversation. The calendar discussion is a dead end. The A.R.E. conversation—"Am I accessible, responsive, and engaged with you?"—is where the healing happens.

Why Rituals Are Worth Protecting

I'll say it again: Rituals matter. Not because they're arbitrary dates on a calendar, but because they're tangible ways we answer our partner's most important question: "Do I matter to you?"

Every time you remember the birthday, show up for the anniversary, keep the Friday date night, you're depositing into your emotional bank account. You're saying: "Yes, you're accessible to me. Yes, I'm responsive to you. Yes, I'm engaged with what matters to you."

And when you forget—when life gets busy, when systems fail, when ADHD or calendar servers or a million other things get in the way—you need to acknowledge the withdrawal. You need to repair. You need to say, "I messed up, and I see how that hurt you, and you still matter to me."

The Way Forward

If you're Sarah and Mike—if you've been having this same fight or one like it—here's what I want you to do:

Stop the surface argument. The calendar excuses and the ADHD explanations and the criticism aren't getting you anywhere. Table them.
Get underneath to the fear. Sarah, can you say what you're actually afraid of? Mike, can you hear the longing underneath her words?
Both take accountability. Sarah, own your criticism. Mike, own your impact. Neither of you gets to stay on your high horse.
Protect your rituals. Figure out—together—how to make sure the things that matter don't keep getting missed. Build in redundancies. Ask for help. Make it a priority.
Practice having the real conversation. The one about accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. The one about whether you're still here for each other. That's the conversation that changes everything.

You can have all the calendar reminders and ADHD accommodations in the world, but if you're not willing to get vulnerable and accountable with each other, you'll stay stuck in the same loop.

The good news? When you learn to have the real conversation—when you can say "I'm scared I'm losing you" and hear "You're not, and here's how I can show you that better"—you don't just resolve the fight about the birthday.

You strengthen the bond that makes all the other rituals meaningful in the first place.

You matter to each other. Now show it.

If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same loops—if the surface arguments are drowning out the real conversations—you don't have to figure this out alone.

I work with couples using both Emotionally Focused Therapy and Relational Life Therapy to help you get underneath the defenses, speak to each other's fears, and rebuild the secure connection you're both longing for.

Book a free video consultation and let's talk about how therapy can help you move from criticism and defensiveness to vulnerability and accountability—and start protecting what matters most in your relationship.

You're worth fighting for. Let me help you fight for each other instead of against each other.