As a couples therapist, I spend a lot of time helping my clients understand their emotional reactions, relationship dynamics, and how to navigate conflicts healthily. But here’s something you might find reassuring (or maybe surprising): I deal with the very same challenges in my own relationship.
Yes, therapists are human too! We aren't immune to the emotional triggers and relationship pitfalls that everyone faces. Like all couples, therapists and their partners experience emotional reactions like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, as well as the common relationship dynamics Sue Johnson describes as "distancer" or "pursuer," and Terry Real's concepts of "unbridled self-expression" or "walling off."
How Therapists (Including Me!) Experience the 4 F's
The four survival responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—are deeply wired into our nervous systems. They're designed to protect us from perceived threats, but in relationships, these responses often create misunderstandings and conflict.
In my own marriage, I’m no stranger to these reactions:
Fight: Sometimes, despite my best intentions, I become defensive and critical when feeling misunderstood or hurt.
Flight: There are moments when conflict feels overwhelming, and my instinct is to emotionally withdraw, creating distance.
Freeze: Occasionally, I find myself going quiet, shutting down, and feeling emotionally numb when conflict arises.
Fawn: Like many, I've also tried to appease my partner by downplaying my needs or avoiding conflict altogether, which can create resentment and distance over time.
(For more about the 4 F's and their role in relationships, check out my blog post, "Understanding the Dynamics of Relationships: Working as a Team Against Neurological Triggers.")
Navigating Pursuer-Distancer Dynamics
Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), describes two common relational roles: pursuers (those who seek emotional connection and reassurance actively) and distancers (those who seek safety through emotional withdrawal and space). As a therapist, I see this pattern clearly in my clients—and in myself.
I often default to the pursuer role when feeling disconnected from my partner, seeking reassurance and closeness. My partner, on the other hand, might naturally move into the distancer role, craving space to process emotions. Recognizing this pattern helps us both work together instead of against each other, creating emotional safety and closeness.
(You can read more about attachment patterns in my blog post "How Identifying Your Triggers Can Break the Cycle of Conflict in Your Relationship.")
Facing Unbridled Self-Expression and Walling Off
Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy (RLT) describes two problematic patterns that couples often experience: unbridled self-expression (letting your emotions spill out without filter or awareness of impact) and walling off (shutting down emotionally to protect oneself).
Even with my training and expertise, I've found myself occasionally engaging in unbridled self-expression, letting my frustrations pour out in unhelpful ways. At other times, I've walled myself off emotionally when hurt or overwhelmed, making authentic connection difficult.
What Helps Me (and Might Help You, Too)
The advantage therapists have isn’t immunity to these issues—it's having tools and strategies to manage them effectively. Here are the practices I rely on:
Self-Awareness: Noticing and acknowledging when I'm triggered and identifying my emotional state clearly.
Self-Regulation: Taking deliberate steps to calm myself, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or temporarily stepping away to regroup. (Check out my strategies in "How to Self-Calm After Being Triggered.")
Clear, Vulnerable Communication: Instead of resorting to criticism or withdrawal, practicing genuine, vulnerable dialogue about my true feelings and needs. (See more on vulnerability in my post "When Avoiding Vulnerability Leads to Miscommunication.")
Repair and Apology: Quickly repairing emotional ruptures with sincere apologies and reconnecting emotionally with my partner. (Learn more from "How to Apologize to Your Partner Effectively.")
Normalizing the Journey
If you struggle with emotional triggers and relationship dynamics, please know you're not alone. Even relationship professionals like me experience these challenges. The key isn't perfection—it's practice and intentionality.
If you're finding it tough to navigate these patterns in your relationship, reach out. I'm here to help. Feel free to call me at 612-230-7171, contact me through my contact page, or schedule an online consultation.
Together, we can create healthier patterns, deeper connections, and lasting emotional resilience in your relationship.
some of the links in this last blog post don't seem to work. Can you check all links and repair them? And if you can't, please let me know.