Ever find yourself in an argument with your partner that started over dishes, and suddenly you're rehashing a disagreement from three years ago, referencing your in-laws, and wondering how you got here?
Welcome to the chaos of disorganized fighting.
One of the most common yet overlooked patterns in couples' conflict is disorganization. When arguments become tangled and chaotic, it becomes nearly impossible to resolve anything. What starts as a discussion about one topic quickly becomes a whirlwind of resentment, past hurts, and off-topic complaints.
Why Disorganization Matters
Disorganized fighting doesn’t just feel messy—it is messy. And more importantly, it’s ineffective. When your arguments lack structure, it makes it hard to track what the actual issue is, who needs what, and how to move forward.
Here are a few ways disorganization shows up in fights:
Topic Hopping: You start talking about the dishes, but then suddenly it's about how they forgot your birthday two years ago.
Bringing in the Bench: Your mother, their best friend, or an old coworker somehow gets pulled into the conversation.
Unprocessed Resentments: Old fights that were never properly addressed rise back to the surface, making the current issue harder to resolve.
ADHD: While this isn't an intentional form of disorganization, someone with ADHD may naturally bring in unrelated topics or shift attention quickly, increasing the level of disorganization and accelerating the intensity of the fight.
The result? No one feels heard, and no one feels safe.
Disorganization Is a Sign You're Already Fighting
By the time things feel disorganized, you're probably already in the middle of the fight. Disorganization is like a red flag flapping in the wind, signaling that you're operating in a dysregulated state. When this happens, your brain isn't wired for collaboration or empathy—it's wired for survival.
You might already be in one of the 4 F's: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. And if you’re operating from one of these, it’s time to hit pause.
What to Do Instead
If you notice your argument spinning out of control:
Call a Timeout A well-timed timeout can prevent a lot of relational damage. If you’re unfamiliar with how to do this well, check out my blog post "How to Do Timeouts Well".
Slow Everything Down Take a breath. Ask yourself, "What are we actually fighting about right now?" See if you can name just one thing. If more than one issue is on the table, gently put the rest aside for later.
Stick to One Topic It’s okay to say, "Let’s stay with the dishes. We can talk about the birthday later."
Notice If You’re Bringing in Old Baggage If a past hurt shows up, make a note of it. But don’t let it hijack the conversation. You can circle back to it when you're both calm.
Disorganized fighting is not just frustrating—it's counterproductive. If you feel like you're drowning in the chaos of a fight, it's a strong signal that it's time to stop, regroup, and try again when you're both calm enough to actually hear each other.
Slowing things down isn’t a sign of giving up. It’s a sign of maturity, care, and commitment to doing better.
Because real progress in relationships doesn’t come from winning arguments. It comes from learning how to have them wisely.
If this resonates with you, and you'd like help learning how to fight fair and reconnect after conflict, reach out. I'm here to help. It’s best to email me via my contact page or scheduling a free 30-minute consultation where you can pick my brain and see how I would help you with your relationship.