Have you heard that old adage: measure twice, cut once?

This whole Covid-19 pandemic felt at first like someone was promising a 5K. . . But now it’s starting to feel like I got to the finish line only for someone to tell me,”Nope, keep going! Only 23.5 miles left to go!”

The term “ambiguous loss” came up.  When we’ve experienced something that’s easily identifiable, we can point to it and say,”I just lost my father,” or,”I lost my job.”  But we’re not experiencing that.  Instead, we’re seeing death tolls, seeing eerily empty streets and being told some version of you may/will/have lost your job.  

It can be really painful to say “I miss you.” So much so that it’s easier just to be angry. But instead of riding the anger train, staying vulnerable despite the risk is the only way to communicate what you want without getting stuck in a fight.

Or they may just look at you blankly, like you’re the crazy one. It’s hurtful because what you’re trying to do is really solve a problem that’s affecting you and they’re not being helpful in the way that a spouse or partner should be helpful. . .

For your spouse to think that you somehow don’t care about them feels heartbreaking to them. So they're pursuing resolution of your argument in service of getting you close together.

Couples even in the middle of fighting over squeezing out the sponge will laugh about the ridiculousness of it all, but will resume blasting each other when they get back in touch with the hurt the other person caused them.

The ironic thing is when anger is in the room, it demands attention instead of the speaker’s message.

If you’re too afraid to hurt your spouse or partner’s feelings, and you push down your feelings, you start to live with a mask on more and more. They are essentially in relationship to a false you. How long are you going to let the charade go on?

You’re missing out on half of the equation when you try to “figure it out” alone.  You’re not speaking the language of sex and constructing your intimate life together.  Instead, you’re “doing it alone.”

If you’re angry and wanting to “Drop some truth” to your spouse so that both of you go to bed with more “truth” in your heads, ask yourself how well that’s worked in the past.

. . . here’s some good news:  They may look like they’re out to hurt you, but they might be fighting for your relationship.

I help you calm your systems. It probably doesn’t surprise you to know that being pissed doesn’t help abate the arguing.

… if you’re waiting to repair one of the most important relationships in your life, what is it that’s keeping you from repairing today?  Doesn’t repairing it today mean enjoying it earlier? Doesn’t it mean the rest of your life having a better relationship?

The Holidays can plunk you in the middle of a strange city.. It can place you with in-laws that aren’t familiar to you.  It can have strange customs from a family you didn’t grow up with.  In the middle of that chaos, you’re expected to be part of a yearly performance. 

The pause is one of the first ways that you can intervene in your pattern of fighting.  It helps you put on the brakes after you’ve been going too fast.

If you’re needing to calm down, but don’t have a lot of experience in how to regulate your runaway thoughts, heart rate, and breathing, square breathing can help you slow things down. 

John Gottman famously coined the phrase “negative sentiment override” for couples experiencing so much conflict that things that are normally feel good start feeling a little bad. 

When I talk to couples about fighting, I don’t just mean the knock-down drag out fights you see in Hollywood movies, but also about “turning away.”

When you’ve been fighting with your spouse for so long and they make a big positive gesture, it can feel like you’ve been traveling in the desert for years and finally your spouse offers you water. The reaction can be mixed: you love the fact that they’re finally feeling like they want to make a repair or they acknowledge your hurt. It can feel great that you feel seen and heard again. But why the heck did you wait so long?