As with most carved-in-stone truisms, “never go to bed angry” is not a one-size-fits-all credo. When pondering this concept, it makes the most sense to examine why it may work in some instances while making things worse at other times. 

Relationships are a lot of work. Part of that work is staying in tune with where the work needs to be done. After the honeymoon phase, it’s dangerously easy to slip into routines and rhythms. In such a state, you can take each other for granted. The little gestures no longer seem necessary. In turn, the bigger gestures fall down the list of priorities. 

This is a time to communicate your needs before things get dicey. It’s important to start he process when it’s calm for the same reason people prepare an evacuation plan before there’s a fire. When you’re both calm, the conversation is more likely to be constructive. If you have concerns and anxieties about a holiday gathering, do not keep them to yourself.

People who are from different cultures may not understand the nuances of being from your culture. This goes double for people who are from the “dominant” culture. Everything from how you adapt your food to the local vegetable market to how turkey AND noodle dishes are served in Thanksgiving.

In your relationship, the words,“We need to talk” can provoke anxiety. Yet, they are vital to every relationship. Pushing down feelings and brushing aside uncomfortable thoughts are almost a Minnesota tradition. But doing so can build resentment and leave you feeling disconnected and alone. So taking relationship dealbreakers head-on is essential to relationship health.

When traveling with your partner, it can be quite a blend of fun and friction. Let’s consider a recent study. It found that 17 percent of romantic partners cut short vacations due to the fights they were having. One in five couples reported breaking up right after a stressful getaway. It’s not exactly what those travel ads promise, huh?

…I’m asking you to tell them what you need in a way that they can hear. So you can be seen and heard. Instead, I'm guessing that you’re getting into a fight, or they’re shutting down or going away. Wouldn’t you rather they understand what your needs are and respond with compassion and interest?

. . .That being said, Cultural conflicts can be the main source of conflict. This article is about ways couples can overcome those challenges. When culture becomes the primary conflict, it can feel to one or both people that their spouse or partner is taking the side of an oppressing culture. This reality reinforces the need for solidarity and to embrace doing the work. It’s critical to go into this scenario with being united as a priority.

In the big picture, this is a societal or global concern. In terms of romantic relationships between people of different races, there is a personal factor that can impact a couple’s bond. Therefore, it’s healthy to identify potential challenges before they happen.

. . .This does not mean it has to be a grand gesture that you film and post on social media. Appreciation is conveyed in a variety of ways — many of them subtle and personal. It can land like a kiss on the forehead. In our hectic world, these simple acts bring us back to the present moment.

More than seven percent of adults have experienced at least one depressive episode. In other words, it’s not uncommon for a person to find themselves in the position of supporting a partner with depression.

I tell my clients that when anger enters the room, it takes up all the attention, much to the chagrin of the angry speaker. If you get mad at your spouse instead of telling them that you’re hurt, they don’t tend to pay attention to the pain you’re experiencing. They instead react to the anger. That reaction tends to increase the chance you feel unheard.

Each of us has an attachment style. Some of us are lucky to have a secure attachment style. Unfortunately, most folks juggle insecure attachment styles like disorganized, anxiety, and avoidance. As adults, how we attach is profoundly shaped during our childhood. How our parents or caregivers interact with us makes a massive impression on us in terms of future connections.

This often means that the ostensible reason for the fight is really a stand-in for something one of both of you does not want to address. This is where couples therapy can be so valuable.

Each person has their own communication style. However, when you are part of a committed couple, you and your partner must work together to develop ways to hear, validate, and understand each other. When your teamwork is lacking, you risk falling into a communication breakdown.

. . . If you don’t work to maintain respectful, direct, and productive communication, it can degrade quickly. You and your partner will find yourselves in the land of eye rolls, passive aggression, stonewalling, and abusive insults. . .

When you hear the word “intimate,” your mind automatically conjure up sex? Sex is a form of intimacy, but sexual intimacy begins “outside the bedroom.” I’ve talked in other articles about how using the language of sexual accelerators and brakes may be helpful in understanding what modulates sexual desire for both of you.

There is no universal standard for “fighting too much,” but there can be universal barometers. Are you brushing off conflict as normal rather than exploring it? Are you mistaking denial for peace?

So in a changing world, communicating with your partner isn’t just “nice to have,” it’s necessary so that you two can be connected and collaborate together on life. Committing to this skill is like a cheat code for relationships. You might even say it’s the closest thing we have to a magic formula.

One type of attachment is avoidant. This is typically the result of being raised by a caretaker who was not fully present. They did meet the physical and emotional needs of the child. If your partner falls into this category, you may already know that communication can be tricky.