Marriage is not just the union of two individuals but also the blending of two families. This integration often brings a unique set of challenges, with in-laws frequently becoming a flash point for marital conflict. Understanding why this happens and how to navigate these delicate relationships is crucial for marital harmony. In this context, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Relational Life Therapy (RLT) offer insightful perspectives and solutions.
Understanding the In-Law Dynamic
The root of in-law related conflicts often lies in the struggle for influence, loyalty, and the risk of investment between partners. In-laws, especially parents, may struggle to redefine their role in the life of their adult child. In addition, adult children may revert to their childhood roles as soon as they walk into the family home. As Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, points out, “In any relationship, the key is not just in understanding our needs, but in understanding the emotional responses that our actions trigger in others.” This is especially true in the dynamics with in-laws where actions or words are often misinterpreted, leading to conflicts.
Boundaries and Loyalty Conflicts
One major issue is the establishment of boundaries. Couples often find themselves torn between the demands of their parents and the needs of their spouse. Terrence Real, the founder of RLT, emphasizes the importance of boundaries in relationships: “Healthy relationships require clear boundaries. Often, marital strife is not about the presence of conflict, but about the absence of boundaries and respect.” When in-laws overstep boundaries, it can create a sense of intrusion and loyalty conflicts within the marriage.
Risk In Couples
Couples inherently invest time, money and energy in building a realtionship and family with each other. This is your “ride or die” partner, and the person you trust the most to have your back. This can be especially true when you have children together. But if you start showing that you won’t back them up and instead defer to your parents’ whims instead of listening to your partner, it can cause a big reaction because it threatens that investment in your relationship.
Johnson asserts, “Emotional responsiveness is the key ingredient in any relationship, and this includes the one with in-laws.” I have a post about what every partner wants from the other in relationship. In the context of in-laws, I encourage couples to explore and express their underlying feelings about in-law interactions. This process helps couples understand and articulate their needs and fears about their in-laws’ involvement in their lives, fostering a better understanding between partners.
Terry Real advocates for clear communication and authenticity: “In a functional relationship, each partner must learn to stand up for themselves and confront dysfunctional behaviors.” Another way he puts it is that our job in relationship is to “stand up to your partner with love.” This approach is vital when dealing with in-law conflicts, as it empowers individuals to assert their needs respectfully and constructively.
Navigating In-Law Relationships with EFT and RLT
Open Communication: Both EFT and RLT stress the importance of open, honest communication. Discussing in-law issues candidly can help partners understand each other’s perspectives and feelings.
Understanding Emotional Responses: As Sue Johnson suggests, recognizing and validating each other's emotional responses to in-law interactions is crucial. This understanding can prevent misinterpretations and resentment.
Stand Up To Your Partner With Love: Following Terrence Real’s advice, setting clear expectations you can both agree on with in-laws is essential. This might include deciding how often to visit, what kind of advice is welcome, and how decisions as a couple are made and communicated.
United Front: Presenting a united front as a couple is vital. This doesn't mean always agreeing, but it does mean showing in-laws that you support each other's decisions and boundaries.
Seeking Professional Help: If in-law conflicts become overwhelming, seeking the help of a therapist trained in EFT or RLT can be beneficial. They can provide guidance and tools to navigate these complex relationships.
In-law relationships can be a significant source of marital conflict, but with the right tools and understanding, they can be navigated successfully. If you are needing help from a trained marriage and family therapist who specializes in couples, contact me. If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.