Talking about sex might be one of the most vulnerable things you can do in a relationship. Not because sex itself is inherently taboo—but because at its core, talking about sex means talking about you. Your desires. Your fears. The parts of you that most crave connection, and the parts that most fear rejection.
It’s no wonder so many couples avoid these conversations altogether.
But when you don’t talk about sex, you’re not just avoiding awkwardness—you may be missing out on the opportunity to feel truly known, accepted, and even healed in the relationship.
Why Is Talking About Sex So Hard?
1. It Feels Personal—Because It Is.
When you talk about sex, you’re often not just talking about what you want to do. You’re talking about whether you are wanted. That’s an incredibly tender space. If your partner doesn’t respond well, it can feel like a rejection of you, not just of an idea.
2. It’s Easy to Get Defensive or Shut Down.
When one partner raises concerns about their sex life, the other might feel accused, blamed, or broken. This can trigger shutdowns, counterattacks, or shame spirals that make the conversation go sideways fast.
3. We Often Don’t Have the Language for It.
Most of us didn’t grow up with emotionally healthy, nuanced conversations about sex. Many adults struggle to articulate what they want—or don’t want—without either sounding clinical or feeling embarrassed.
Why It’s Still So Necessary
Avoiding the conversation might help you stay “safe” in the moment, but over time it creates distance. The couples who thrive long-term are the ones who learn how to lean in, even when the topic feels delicate.
Because sex isn’t just a physical act—it’s a form of communication. When it stops working, it’s usually not because one person is “broken,” but because something important is being left unsaid.
A Tool I Use with Clients: Gas Pedals and Brakes
When I work with couples, one metaphor I often use to make conversations about sex easier is the “gas pedal and brakes” model of desire. Borrowed from the work of Emily Nagoski, this metaphor helps partners understand what turns them on (the gas pedal) and what turns them off (the brakes).
What’s brilliant about this metaphor is that it removes blame. If one person is experiencing low desire, it might not be that they’re “not into you”—it might be that their brakes are getting slammed by stress, exhaustion, unresolved resentment, or distractions.
You can read more about this metaphor and how to use it in your own relationship in my blog post: Use These 2 Words to Talk About Sex.
When couples start naming their brakes and gas pedals, they begin to shift the conversation from “Why don’t you want me?” to “What’s getting in the way?”—a much more productive (and connecting) way to talk about sex.
Start With Curiosity, Not Criticism
If you’re ready to talk about sex, start gently. Be curious about your partner’s experience, and share your own with vulnerability, not pressure.
A simple way to begin:
“I’ve been thinking about how we connect physically, and I wonder how you’ve been feeling about it lately?”
“What helps you feel close and in the mood? What gets in the way?”
“Are there things we used to do that you miss?”
These aren’t loaded questions; they’re invitations. You don’t have to fix everything in one conversation. Just begin.
If You’re Feeling Stuck
If every attempt to talk about sex turns into conflict or shutdown, you’re not alone—and you’re not doomed. Sometimes, bringing in a therapist who understands these dynamics can help you both feel safer and more heard.
Because talking about sex isn’t just about sex. It’s about intimacy. It’s about being known. And everyone deserves that kind of connection. Reach out, and let’s make sense of what’s happening — together. It’s best to email me via my contact page or scheduling a free 30-minute consultation where you can pick my brain and see how I would help you with your relationship.