In many heterosexual relationships, there’s a dynamic I see in my therapy office again and again:
For many men, sex is love.
That doesn’t mean it’s the only way they experience love, but it’s often the most direct, embodied, and reliable way they feel emotionally connected to their partner. For them, sexual intimacy isn’t just about physical pleasure—it’s about pair bonding, reassurance, and feeling close.
And when you understand this, you can begin to see why conversations about sex can get so tangled—and sometimes so painful.
How the Equation “Sex = Love” Can Get in the Way
While this connection between sex and love can be deeply meaningful, it can also create misunderstandings. Here’s how:
1. “You only want one thing.”
When a male partner initiates sex frequently, and it’s declined often, the other partner may start to interpret this as “That’s all you care about.” From the male partner’s perspective, though, it’s not “one thing.” It’s an attempt to connect, to be loved, and to love in the way that feels most natural to him.
2. Feeling Objectified vs. Feeling Bonded.
Women in these situations often tell me they feel objectified—as though they’re valued more for their body or sexual availability than for themselves as a whole person. On the other side, the man may feel rejected as a person when sexual overtures are turned down, because in his mind, he wasn’t just asking for sex—he was asking for closeness.
3. “One more thing on my plate.”
For a partner already stretched thin by kids, work, mental load, or caretaking, sex can feel like another task. But for a male partner in this dynamic, it’s not a “to-do”—it’s the most powerful way to refill the emotional tank of the relationship.
Why Understanding This Helps Both Partners
When you realize that your partner’s desire for sex might actually be a desire for love and connection—not just physical release—you have a new way to interpret their bids for intimacy.
And if you’re the one for whom sex equals love, naming that out loud can be powerful:
“I know I bring up sex a lot. I want you to know it’s not just about the physical for me. When we make love, I feel deeply connected to you, like we’re truly ‘us.’”
When couples can say this, it reframes the conversation. It softens the edges. It opens the door to finding other ways to connect too, while still honoring that sexual intimacy matters deeply.
Making These Conversations Easier
Talking about sex is hard—especially when there are misunderstandings at the core. That’s why I’ve written about ways to navigate these talks in a way that’s more productive and less defensive. You might find these posts helpful:
Use These 2 Words to Talk About Sex — a simple metaphor that helps partners identify what turns them on and what turns them off without blame.
Let’s Talk About It: Why Conversations About Sex Are So Difficult (and So Necessary) — how to lean into this vulnerable topic without getting stuck in the same old fights.
If you’re a man and this resonated with you, it’s worth letting your partner know that feeling their love for you is a major driver of sex.
Because when you see that the request for intimacy is actually a request for connection, it changes the whole conversation.
And that’s when you can start talking with each other instead of at each other—about what you both need to feel close, loved, and connected. If you’re needing help with discussing your intimacy needs, reach out, and let’s make sense of what’s happening — together. It’s best to email me via my contact page or scheduling a free 30-minute consultation where you can pick my brain and see how I would help you with your relationship.