When couples sit down to repair after a painful moment, one of the most common pitfalls is blending two very different conversations into one:
How I apologize for the hurt I caused
What was going on for me that led me to act the way I did
At first glance, it seems efficient to talk about both at once. But in reality, combining them often backfires.
Why Mixing Them Feels Like Justification
When you try to explain why you did something at the same time you’re apologizing, your partner may hear your explanation as a defense or justification rather than a genuine apology.
For example:
“I’m sorry I snapped at you, but I was just so stressed about work.”
To the speaker, this may feel like honest context. But to the listener, it often sounds like:
“My stress is more important than your hurt feelings.”
The apology gets diluted, and your partner may walk away feeling unseen or dismissed.
The Two Conversations, Kept Separate
A healthier path is to separate the conversations:
1. The Apology Conversation
This is about owning the impact of your behavior, regardless of intent.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you. You didn’t deserve that, and I know it hurt.”
Here, the focus stays entirely on the other person’s experience.
2. The “Here’s What Was Going On for Me” Conversation
This is about helping your partner understand your internal world.
“Later, when we’re both ready, I’d like to share that I was carrying a lot of stress from work. It doesn’t excuse my snapping, but it helps me understand why I lost my patience.”
By separating the two, your partner gets the gift of both:
The reassurance that you take responsibility.
The insight into your inner world, which deepens understanding and empathy.
Why This Matters for Connection
When couples blur these conversations, fights often reignite. The hurt partner feels like the apology was never complete, while the explaining partner feels misunderstood for not being able to share their reality.
But when you slow down and untangle the two, repair is more effective. Your partner feels validated. You feel understood. And together, you’re building a stronger foundation of trust.
A Practical Tip
When you’re apologizing, imagine putting an invisible period at the end of your sentence:
“I’m sorry for snapping at you.” Stop.
Save the “why” for later.
This small shift can be the difference between your partner feeling cared for vs. feeling dismissed.
How to Know When it’s a Good Time to Talk About The “Why”
The worst time to cover the “why” is when you’re fighting - when one or both of you are in your 4 F’s: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Those are survival modes people enter in order to improve their survival. Actively being in one of those survival modes also tends to make you treat the other person like “the enemy.” It will not surprise you that treating your spouse like an enemy will likely. trigger a fighting response from them.
So what is the best time to talk about the “why?” When both of you are out of your 4F’s and can talk about cause and effect in a way that feels like it’s satsifying a curiosity instead of positioning you to “win.” I encourage couples to determine if they’re in this curiosity by asking each other, after the apology has had time to settle, when a good time would be to talk about the “why.” An example of that would be: “Hey, I really am sorry about losing my temper. You didn’t deserve any of that. AND I’d like to debug the situation with you when you’re ready.
But first, you have to slow down and get to the point where curiosity is a possibility. I’ve written a piece on how calming down is your job in a timeout.
Separating your apology from your explanation isn’t just semantics. It’s a relationship skill that turns conflict into connection. If you’re needing help with apologies, reach out, and let’s make sense of what’s happening — together. It’s best to email me via my contact page or scheduling a free 30-minute consultation where you can pick my brain and see how I would help you with your relationship.