There’s a moment in every hard conversation where you have a choice:
Do you say what you’re really feeling—or do you go with the safer, sharper edge?
Most of us choose the latter.
We get frustrated.
We feel annoyed.
We sound angry.
Not because that’s the deepest truth—
but because it feels less vulnerable than saying something like:
“I’m scared you don’t love me anymore.”
Primary vs. Secondary Emotions: What’s the Difference?
In therapy, we often talk about primary emotions and secondary emotions.
Primary emotions are the raw, underlying feelings that get at the heart of what matters:
Hurt. Sadness. Fear. Loneliness. Shame. Longing. Disappointment.
Secondary emotions are the ones that show up on the surface to protect us:
Anger. Frustration. Irritation. Rage. Annoyance.
Secondary emotions aren't "bad"—they serve a function. They give us distance and make us feel powerful in the moment. But they’re also misleading. They can derail the conversation into a fight, especially when you're trying to reconnect.
An Example: The Forgotten Birthday
Let’s say your partner forgot your birthday.
You feel wounded. Alone. Maybe unloved.
But instead of saying that, you say:
“Wow. You didn’t even remember. Thanks for showing me how much I matter.”
Now the fight becomes about whether or not your partner should be expected to remember your birthday—how stressed they’ve been at work, how busy life is, etc.
You’ve gone from fear of not being loved to debating a calendar oversight.
And nothing gets resolved.
Meanwhile, what you really needed to say was:
“When my birthday passed and nothing happened, I felt this deep fear that you don’t love me anymore.”
That’s the truth. And it’s scary.
But it’s also the kind of truth that invites compassion instead of defensiveness.
Why Secondary Emotions Push People Away
Secondary feelings tend to show up as criticism or contempt—two of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of relationship breakdown. That means when you lead with irritation, your partner is more likely to feel attacked than connected to your experience.
Starting with “I feel” doesn’t make it better if what follows isn’t actually a feeling.
❌ “I feel like you don’t care about me.” → That’s a judgment.
❌ “I feel like you’re screwing everything up.” → Also a judgment.
Those aren’t feelings. Those are criticisms with a soft intro.
✅ “I feel scared I don’t matter to you.”
✅ “I feel hurt and alone.”
These are vulnerable, emotional truths. They open doors.
What to Say Instead
Try this approach when you feel a hard conversation coming on:
Pause. Notice if you're about to lead with frustration or blame.
Check Inward. Ask yourself: What is this frustration trying to protect? What's the real feeling underneath?
Name It Gently. “I’m scared.” “I feel unimportant.” “I feel hurt.”
Drop the Argument, Stay With the Feeling. You don’t have to justify your pain or prove anything. Just let the feeling be seen.
It’s hard. And it’s worth it.
If this is NOT available to you - if it feels like the other pereson is the enemy and you are justified in punishing them, I want you to read my piece on how to do time outs. Doing this will save your relationship the damage unbridled self-expression or shutdown will.
Bottom Line
Criticism often feels easier than vulnerability.
But the quickest way back to connection isn’t to win a fight—it’s to speak the feeling that’s hiding underneath your anger.
When you share what’s really going on—your sadness, your fear, your hurt—your partner finally gets to see you. And when they do, something powerful happens: They often move toward you, not away.
If this post resonates with your experience or your relationship, I’d love to help. These are exactly the kinds of patterns I help couples work through every day. You can start by reading this blog on how to pause heated conversations, or reach out for support. If you’re needing help with sharing your feelings, reach out, and let’s make sense of what’s happening — together. It’s best to email me via my contact page or scheduling a free 30-minute consultation where you can pick my brain and see how I would help you with your relationship.
Because every fight has something tender underneath.
You just have to say it out loud.