Let me name something that nobody wants to hear but everyone needs to understand: sometimes the hardest part about healing your relationship is that you were the one who got hurt, and now you have to do the hard work of healing.
It feels deeply unfair. And you know what? It is.
You're the one who was betrayed, dismissed, abandoned, or wounded. You're the one who's been carrying this pain. And now someone's telling you that you need to step up and actively participate in the healing process?
Yes. And I know how much that stings.
When the Injured Partner Has to Lead
This dynamic is especially painful when the hurt is severe—like after an affair. Your partner made a choice. They didn't have to cheat, no matter how bad things were in the relationship. They had other options: they could have talked to you, gone to therapy, or ended the relationship honorably.
But they didn't. They chose betrayal. And now here you are, holding all this pain, and someone's suggesting that you need to engage in the repair process.
It feels backwards. Shouldn't the person who caused the damage be doing all the work? Shouldn't they be the ones bending over backwards to make things right?
In an ideal world, yes. But we don't live in an ideal world. We live in a world where relationships require both people to show up for healing, even when only one person caused the wound.
Why Healing Requires Your Participation
Here's the truth that makes this whole situation so difficult: your partner can apologize perfectly, they can express remorse, they can commit to change—but none of that creates healing if you don't also participate in receiving it.
Healing isn't something that gets done to you. It's something you have to actively engage in, even when you didn't ask for this pain in the first place.
Think of it this way: if someone broke your arm, they'd be responsible for getting you to the hospital and paying the bills. But they can't do your physical therapy for you. You have to show up to that, even though you're the injured party. Even though it hurts. Even though it's not fair.
The same is true for emotional wounds in relationships.
The Reality of Intimacy and Hurt
Let me back up and talk about something fundamental: hurt is inevitable in every intimate relationship.
Not just likely. Not just common. Inevitable.
Why? Because intimacy requires vulnerability. When you're truly accessible, responsive, and engaged with your partner, you're opening yourself up to them in ways that make you emotionally naked. And in an imperfect world with imperfect people, that vulnerability means you will get hurt sometimes.
Your partner will say something thoughtless. They'll forget something important. They'll be unavailable when you need them. They'll make choices that wound you, sometimes deeply.
This isn't a sign of a failed relationship. It's a sign of being human.
The question isn't whether you'll get hurt in an intimate relationship. The question is: what do you do with that hurt?
The Only Way Out Is Through
The only real way to move forward from hurt in a relationship is through a cycle of injury, acknowledgment, and repair. That means:
Someone gets hurt
The hurt gets named and acknowledged
The person who caused it takes ownership
Both people work together to heal it
Trust gets rebuilt over time
This process requires both partners to show up. The person who caused the harm has to own it, express genuine remorse, and commit to doing better. That's not as simple as just saying "I'm sorry"—it requires truly understanding the impact of their actions and connecting with your pain.
But here's the part that feels so unfair: you, the hurt partner, also have to show up. You have to be willing to:
Name what hurt you
Share the impact it had on you
Stay present while your partner tries to understand
Eventually work toward accepting their repair attempts
Take the risk of being vulnerable again
None of that is easy. All of it requires courage.
Why You Might Have to Go First
Sometimes—and this is the part that feels most unfair—you might have to initiate the healing conversation even though you're the injured party.
Maybe your partner is so filled with shame that they're withdrawing instead of engaging. Maybe they don't fully understand the depth of your pain. Maybe they're waiting for some sign from you that it's safe to approach you.
This doesn't mean you have to make it easy for them. It doesn't mean minimizing your pain or pretending everything's fine.
But it might mean saying something like: "What happened really hurt me. I need us to talk about it. I need to hear that you understand what this did to me."
That simple statement—naming that you were hurt and that you need to process it together—can be the thing that opens the door to healing.
When the Hurt Is Severe
Let's talk specifically about major betrayals like affairs, because that's where this dynamic feels most cruel.
Your partner had an affair. They violated your trust in the most fundamental way. They made choices, over and over, that prioritized their desires over your wellbeing and the health of your relationship.
And now you're supposed to do work to heal from it?
Yes. Because the alternative is staying stuck in pain, or ending the relationship, or living in a marriage that's really just a shell.
If you want to heal the relationship—and that's a choice only you can make—then you have to be willing to:
Share the specific ways the betrayal hurt you
Process your grief, rage, and fear with your partner present
Eventually work toward understanding what was happening for both of you
Decide whether you can rebuild trust
None of this means excusing what they did. It doesn't mean the affair was somehow your fault. It means being honest about the fact that healing from betrayal requires active participation from both people, even though only one person caused it.
The Most Unfair Part
Here's what might be the most unfair part of all: you have to do this work while you're still hurting.
You can't wait until you feel better to start the healing process. The healing process is what makes you feel better.
It's like learning to apologize effectively—you don't wait until it's easy. You start where you are, messy and imperfect, and you try your best.
You might need to say: "I'm so angry at you right now, and I need you to hear how much you hurt me." That's not a perfect, calm conversation. But it's the conversation that needs to happen.
You might need to say: "I want to heal from this, but I don't know how yet. I need time, and I need you to keep showing up." That's not tidy. But it's honest.
What This Requires From You
If you're the hurt partner, here's what participating in healing might look like:
Name your hurt specifically: "It was really hurtful when you said I was overreacting to your affair. It made me feel like my pain didn't matter to you."
Share the emotional impact: "When you did that, I felt abandoned. Like I was alone in this pain and you didn't care enough to sit in it with me."
Ask for what you need: "I need to hear that you understand how much damage this caused. I need to know you get it."
Stay present for their attempts at repair: This doesn't mean accepting a bad apology. But it means being willing to hear them when they're genuinely trying to understand and make amends.
Take small risks toward vulnerability again: This is the hardest part. Eventually, healing means being willing to be vulnerable again with the person who hurt you. That takes tremendous courage.
When You Need Help
Sometimes this work is too hard to do alone. When the hurt runs deep—especially with betrayals like affairs—you often need a therapist to help you both navigate the repair process.
A couples therapist can:
Create a safe space for both of you to share your pain
Help the hurt partner feel truly heard and validated
Guide the partner who caused harm in taking real ownership
Teach you both how to have these difficult conversations
Support you in deciding whether and how to rebuild trust
Waiting for your partner to magically fix everything or waiting for them to apologize first often just keeps you both stuck in pain. Getting help is a way of saying: "This relationship matters enough to me to get support in healing it."
The Bottom Line
Yes, it's unfair that you have to participate in healing when you're the one who got hurt. It's unfair that intimacy comes with inevitable pain. It's unfair that maintaining a relationship requires ongoing work even when you didn't cause the damage.
But fairness isn't really the question. The question is: what do you want?
Do you want to stay stuck in righteous anger, or do you want to heal?
Do you want to hold onto being right, or do you want to rebuild connection?
Do you want to wait for your partner to somehow magically fix everything, or do you want to actively participate in creating something different?
These aren't easy questions, and there's no wrong answer. Sometimes the right choice is to end the relationship. Sometimes the hurt is too deep, or the other person isn't truly committed to change.
But if you want to heal the relationship—if you believe it's worth saving—then you have to show up for that healing, even though it's unfair that you have to.
That's not weakness. That's courage.
And sometimes, that courage to lean into the hard work of healing is what transforms a broken relationship into something even stronger than it was before.
If you're struggling with whether to engage in this healing work and need help making sense of what's happening in your relationship, reach out. Email me via my contact page or schedule a free 30-minute consultation where we can talk about how I can support you through this. Let's figure this out—together.