When couples talk about a "lack of desire," they often assume something is wrong in the bedroom. But more often, the problem started long before anyone took their clothes off.
Desire Needs a Safe Place to Land
Desire thrives in a climate of emotional safety—where you feel respected, known, and accepted. If you feel emotionally exposed or chronically misunderstood, it’s incredibly hard to want intimacy.
Especially for women (though not exclusively), the conditions that make sexual desire possible often start with:
Feeling emotionally attuned to
If your partner hasn’t asked about your day or made you feel seen, it’s hard to flip the switch to physical closeness.Feeling emotionally safe during conflict
If arguments leave you feeling belittled or unseen, your nervous system doesn’t feel safe enough to let desire grow.Trusting your partner to listen without defensiveness
If you feel like your partner can’t tolerate your needs or emotions, it’s difficult to feel relaxed or open around them.
Your Nervous System Is Paying Attention
Our bodies are incredibly good at keeping score of emotional safety. If your brain is still buzzing from last week’s unresolved argument or a subtle put-down, your libido doesn’t see an opening—it sees a threat.
For couples struggling with mismatched desire, start by asking: Do we feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable? Because desire is vulnerability. It requires surrender, presence, and trust.
This is why I often teach the “gas pedal and brakes” metaphor for sexual desire. You can read more about that here:
👉 Use These 2 Words to Talk About Sex
If you’re needing help with restoring emotional safety and intimacy, reach out, and let’s make sense of what’s happening — together. It’s best to email me via my contact page or schedule a free 30-minute consultation where you can pick my brain and see how I would help you with your relationship.