Every couple fights about something. Money, parenting, sex, in-laws, chores, time—the list is endless. And most couples, when they come to therapy, want help resolving those fights. They want to figure out who's right about the budget, how to handle the mother-in-law, what's fair when it comes to housework.
But here's what I've learned after years of working with couples: the content of your fights matters less than you think. What matters more is how you fight.
Two couples can argue about the exact same issue—say, how much to spend on a vacation—and have completely different outcomes. One couple walks away feeling heard, even if they didn't fully agree. The other walks away feeling defeated, dismissed, and more disconnected than before.
The difference isn't the topic. It's the process.
The Process Is the Problem
When couples get stuck, they usually think the problem is that they can't agree on the issue. If they could just resolve the thing they're fighting about, everything would be fine.
But most of the time, the issue isn't the issue. The way you're talking about the issue is the issue.
Think about your last few fights. Did they actually stay focused on the topic? Or did they spiral into something else—old resentments, character attacks, defensive volleys, one person shutting down while the other kept pushing?
That spiral is the problem. You could resolve the original issue and still feel terrible, because of everything that happened along the way. And you could fail to resolve the issue but still feel connected, because you fought in a way that kept respect and care intact.
This is what therapists mean when they talk about process versus content. The content is what you're fighting about. The process is how you're fighting about it.
What Unhealthy Process Looks Like
Most couples don't realize they have a process problem. They think they just have a lot of things to disagree about, or a partner who's unreasonable, or issues that are genuinely hard to solve.
But if you look closely, unhealthy fighting has some recognizable patterns:
Criticism instead of complaint. There's a difference between "I'm frustrated that the dishes are still in the sink" and "You never help around here." One addresses a behavior; the other attacks character. When fights are full of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, the process is broken—regardless of what you're fighting about.
Winning instead of understanding. Some couples fight like lawyers. They build their case, poke holes in the other's argument, and go for the win. But relationships aren't courtrooms. When one person wins, the relationship often loses. If you're more focused on being right than on understanding your partner, the process is working against you.
Escalation instead of regulation. Healthy conflict stays contained. Unhealthy conflict escalates—voices get louder, words get harsher, the stakes feel higher. Before you know it, you're not arguing about the vacation budget anymore; you're questioning the entire relationship. If your fights regularly spiral out of control, the process needs attention.
Flooding instead of pausing. When your heart rate spikes, your thinking brain goes offline. You say things you don't mean. You can't take in what your partner is saying. If you don't know how to take a timeout when you're flooded, even small disagreements can cause big damage.
What Healthy Process Looks Like
Healthy fighting isn't the absence of conflict. It's conflict that doesn't destroy connection.
Couples who fight well do a few things differently:
They stay on topic. They don't let the current fight become a referendum on every past grievance. They address one thing at a time.
They take responsibility. Instead of defending every move, they can acknowledge their part. "You're right, I did forget to call. I'm sorry." That kind of ownership de-escalates conflict faster than any counterargument.
They repair quickly. They don't let ruptures sit and fester. When things go sideways, they come back and clean it up—not hours or days later, but as soon as they're regulated enough to do it.
They prioritize the relationship over the issue. They remember that the person across from them is their partner, not their opponent. Even in disagreement, they keep some warmth in the room.
They know when to stop. They can recognize when a conversation is going nowhere and table it rather than keep grinding. They trust that unresolved doesn't have to mean abandoned.
The Fight About the Fight
Here's something that might sound familiar: you start arguing about one thing, and then you end up arguing about how you're arguing.
"Why are you raising your voice?" "I'm raising my voice because you're not listening!" "I'd listen if you weren't attacking me!"
This is the meta-fight—the fight about the fight. And it's a sign that your process has gone off the rails.
The meta-fight isn't useless, though. It's actually your relationship trying to flag a problem. When you're fighting about how you're fighting, you're getting close to the real issue: the way you're engaging with each other isn't working.
The trick is to stop and address it directly, rather than letting it become another layer of conflict. "Okay, we're fighting about how we're fighting. Let's pause. What do we each need right now to make this conversation go better?"
That question—what do you need right now—can shift everything.
Why This Matters More Than Resolving Issues
Research backs this up. John Gottman's studies on couples found that how couples manage conflict is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction and longevity. It's not about having fewer problems or agreeing on everything. It's about how you handle the problems you have.
Couples who stay happy long-term still disagree. They still have issues that never fully get resolved. But they've developed a way of engaging with those issues that doesn't erode the relationship.
Meanwhile, couples who have toxic conflict patterns can agree on most things and still be miserable. Because every time an issue comes up, the process retraumatizes them. They're not just dealing with the problem—they're dealing with how awful it feels to deal with problems together.
That's why working on your process is often more valuable than solving any individual issue. Fix the process, and the issues become more manageable. Ignore the process, and even small issues become relationship-threatening.
Common Fighting Patterns That Destroy Process
Over the coming weeks, I'm going to dig deeper into specific patterns that wreck the process of conflict. These are styles of fighting that seem normal—sometimes even productive—but actually inflame conversations and push couples further apart.
A preview:
Fighting by asking questions. Rapid-fire questions, leading questions, "why" questions—they can feel like curiosity but land like interrogation.
Fighting by interrupting. Cutting your partner off sends a message: what I have to say matters more than what you're saying.
Fighting by lecturing. Monologues, unsolicited analysis, explaining to your partner how relationships work—it's a control move disguised as helpfulness.
Each of these patterns has a logic to it. The person doing it usually thinks they're trying to communicate, not shut communication down. But the impact is what matters. And when these patterns show up, the process suffers.
How to Start Improving Your Process
You don't have to overhaul everything at once. Start with awareness.
Notice when the process is breaking down. Can you feel it when a conversation shifts from productive to destructive? Pay attention to the signals—your body tightening, your voice rising, your partner shutting down.
Name it out loud. "I think we're getting off track." "This is starting to feel like an attack." "I'm getting flooded—I need a minute." Naming the process problem can interrupt the momentum.
Ask what your partner needs. Not what they need to concede or understand—what they need to feel heard right now. Sometimes it's space. Sometimes it's acknowledgment. Sometimes it's just knowing you're on the same team.
Repair without relitigating. When a fight goes badly, come back to it—not to continue the argument, but to clean up the mess. "I'm sorry I got harsh. That wasn't fair to you." Don't demand they apologize first. Don't rehash the content. Just tend to the relationship.
The Invitation
If your fights keep going sideways—if you walk away feeling worse, not better, even when you're trying to communicate—the issue probably isn't the issue. The process is.
And the good news about process is that it's learnable. You're not stuck with the patterns you have now. You can develop new ways of engaging with conflict that protect the relationship instead of damaging it.
It takes practice. It takes catching yourself mid-pattern and choosing something different. It takes tolerating the discomfort of not defending, not winning, not making your point at all costs.
But it's possible. And it changes everything.
If your fights feel like they're hurting more than they're helping, couples therapy can give you tools to change the pattern. Schedule a free consultation to talk about what's happening in your relationship and whether working together might help."