Relationships are a lot of work. Part of that work is staying in tune with where the work needs to be done. After the honeymoon phase, it’s dangerously easy to slip into routines and rhythms. In such a state, you can take each other for granted. The little gestures no longer seem necessary. In turn, the bigger gestures fall down the list of priorities.
Managing Holidays With Your In-Laws (When You Don't Get Along)
This is a time to communicate your needs before things get dicey. It’s important to start he process when it’s calm for the same reason people prepare an evacuation plan before there’s a fire. When you’re both calm, the conversation is more likely to be constructive. If you have concerns and anxieties about a holiday gathering, do not keep them to yourself.
Balancing Cultural Differences In The Holidays
Talk About Your Deal Breakers
In your relationship, the words,“We need to talk” can provoke anxiety. Yet, they are vital to every relationship. Pushing down feelings and brushing aside uncomfortable thoughts are almost a Minnesota tradition. But doing so can build resentment and leave you feeling disconnected and alone. So taking relationship dealbreakers head-on is essential to relationship health.
Why Couples Fight After Vacation
When traveling with your partner, it can be quite a blend of fun and friction. Let’s consider a recent study. It found that 17 percent of romantic partners cut short vacations due to the fights they were having. One in five couples reported breaking up right after a stressful getaway. It’s not exactly what those travel ads promise, huh?
But How Can I Critique My Spouse Without it Being a Big Deal?
How Multicultural Couples Can Find Success
. . .That being said, Cultural conflicts can be the main source of conflict. This article is about ways couples can overcome those challenges. When culture becomes the primary conflict, it can feel to one or both people that their spouse or partner is taking the side of an oppressing culture. This reality reinforces the need for solidarity and to embrace doing the work. It’s critical to go into this scenario with being united as a priority.
4 Challenges and Interracial Couples Face
Why It's Important To Show Your Partner Appreciation
Supporting Your Depressed Partner
8 Steps To Communicate With Your Spouse When You're Angry
I tell my clients that when anger enters the room, it takes up all the attention, much to the chagrin of the angry speaker. If you get mad at your spouse instead of telling them that you’re hurt, they don’t tend to pay attention to the pain you’re experiencing. They instead react to the anger. That reaction tends to increase the chance you feel unheard.
How to Tell If Your Partner Is an Avoidant Communicator
Each of us has an attachment style. Some of us are lucky to have a secure attachment style. Unfortunately, most folks juggle insecure attachment styles like disorganized, anxiety, and avoidance. As adults, how we attach is profoundly shaped during our childhood. How our parents or caregivers interact with us makes a massive impression on us in terms of future connections.
Common Things Couples Fight About
Signs Your Relationship is in a Communication Breakdown
How Couples Can Communicate When Times Are Hard
4 ways To Be More Intimate With Your Partner
When you hear the word “intimate,” your mind automatically conjure up sex? Sex is a form of intimacy, but sexual intimacy begins “outside the bedroom.” I’ve talked in other articles about how using the language of sexual accelerators and brakes may be helpful in understanding what modulates sexual desire for both of you.
Are You Fighting Too Much With Your Partner?
How To Communicate Better
Communicating With An Avoidant Partner
How To Show Up Better For Your Spouse
Recently, I talked about what can make you a better partner. Recognizing the need for such efforts is a giant step toward a healthier relationship. But once you know the steps, you still have to take them. Sometimes, that is precisely where the roadblocks exist. Where and how do you start? Do you really need to make changes or should you wait to see if problems arise?
Simply put, a healthy partnership does not happen by accident. It requires lots of desire and effort. Both partners must commit to what is a long-term, ever-evolving project. Let’s take a closer look at how to make this happen.
Do the Work
As touched on above, this is the foundation. You won’t always get it right, but you just keep trying. Demonstrate, through your actions and your words, that being a better partner is important to you. It’s a major priority in your life. Such a commitment is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. But it is a clear sign that you get it.
It helps to recognize that being a better partner is not a destination. There is no finish line. You wake up, wipe the slate clean, and start again. If this sounds onerous, keep in mind how wonderful the rewards are.
Communicate
Frequently
Directly
Respectfully
Face-to-face
You can’t have a relationship without some conflict. However, conflict is far more likely if you’re not practicing healthy communication. Virtually any situation or crisis can be managed when both partners are expressing their thoughts and emotions in a mature manner. Keep the lines of communication open.
Go Above and Beyond
Even the happiest couples can fall into a rut. Things settle into a routine and you may inadvertently take each other for granted. A powerful way to prevent this tendency is to keep looking for ways to challenge the ordinary. Go out of your way to do the right thing.
Discover new ways to express your appreciation, gratitude, lust, and love. Don’t be afraid of being corny. Let your partner know they are always on your mind. It’s not about spending money or putting on a show (although, it can be sometimes). The idea here is to remind them how much they mean to you in a fresh and authentic manner.
Improve Your Listening Skills
Everyone wants to feel heard. They want to be understood and validated. A big part of showing up as a better partner is appreciating this need. And it starts with listening. A few factors to keep in mind:
It’s more than just waiting for your turn to talk
Be attentive, make eye contact, and ask questions if appropriate
Check your body language, gestures, and facial expressions
Use nonverbal cues to signal that you’re listening
Do not interrupt
Perhaps most importantly, stay curious. Relationships can fall into a rhythm. You may feel certain you can predict what your partner is about to say. You may also be preparing a way to state your disagreement. Instead, try keeping an open mind. You might learn something new—including something new about your partner!
Schedule Together Time
Life is hectic. The easiest excuse in the world for not stepping up is “I’m so busy.” If that’s the case, get out our schedules and plan quality time together. Leave nothing to chance. Put away your devices. Get a babysitter if you must. But never, ever postpone your partner.
If this feels impossible, there’s a short-term solution. Commit together to couples counseling. This places you together once a week. Such a setting allows for productive conversations and exploration through the pretense of an unbiased guide. You’ll both become better partners!
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.