I am a Couples Counselor that helps couples and individuals stop allowing their emotions to hijack their relationships. Immediate openings. Improve sexual intimacy, emotional connection, or even recover from affairs.
It used to be that we compared ourselves to the neighbors.. . . But today? We compare our relationships to strangers on the internet — to perfectly edited reels, curated couples photos on Instagram, and scripted TikToks designed to give the illusion of spontaneous romance.
And that comparison is costing us more than we realize.
Many couples are familiar with the concept of love languages—the idea popularized by Gary Chapman that each of us has a preferred way to give and receive love, such as words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or receiving gifts. Discovering your own love language can be incredibly valuable. It helps you communicate your emotional needs clearly and effectively to your partner.
If you've ever felt stuck in repetitive arguments, misunderstood, or emotionally disconnected in your relationship, you're not alone. Most couples find themselves cycling through familiar frustrations, often because they're not addressing the real underlying emotions or needs that fuel these patterns. But what if there was one simple question that could completely transform your communication?
Many couples proudly declare, "We never fight!" On the surface, this might sound ideal—who wouldn’t want a peaceful, conflict-free relationship? Yet, as a therapist who specializes in working with couples, I often get concerned when I hear this. Ironically, the absence of conflict can signal deeper issues in the relationship, like a lack of authenticity, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy.
Ever had one of those fights with your partner that seems to come out of nowhere? You might think, “How did this tiny issue about leaving socks on the floor blow up into a full-blown argument?” If this sounds familiar, you're definitely not alone. As a couples therapist, I see this all the time—and there’s usually something deeper going on.
You’ve probably heard of impostor syndrome—that nagging feeling that you're not really good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough, no matter how successful or capable you appear to others. Typically, we associate impostor syndrome with professional life, but did you know it can infiltrate and undermine your intimate relationships as well?
On the surface, people-pleasing seems like a positive trait. After all, who wouldn’t appreciate someone who’s agreeable, accommodating, and always focused on making others happy? But in my experience as a therapist, people-pleasing often comes with hidden costs—especially within intimate relationships.
If you frequently find yourself putting aside your own needs to avoid conflict, or you're always bending over backward to keep your partner happy, you may be engaging in what therapists call “fawning” or “co-dependency.” And while you may mean well, your efforts to please might actually be backfiring, creating an emotional cycle that's . . .
One of the most common conversations couples struggle with in my office is talking openly about sexual desire. Maybe you've experienced it too: you and your partner want to connect sexually, yet something feels disconnected. Desire doesn't seem to flow as naturally as you'd hoped, and frustration or confusion follows. According to renowned sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski, there's an invaluable concept that can help you navigate these tricky moments—it's called the "room next to desire."
Have you ever found yourself having the same repetitive argument with your partner, wondering how you ended up back here—yet again? If so, you're not alone. As a couples therapist, I've observed that behind nearly every repetitive conflict is an underlying trigger—a powerful emotional "button" that, when pressed, sends you into an intense reaction.
One of the toughest truths I share with couples in my therapy practice is this: every relationship is inherently imperfect. No matter how much you love each other, no matter how committed you are, there will be times when you hurt, disappoint, or misunderstand one another. These moments aren’t signs of a failed relationship—they’re simply proof of being human. And how you navigate these inevitable mistakes can actually strengthen your relationship more than avoiding mistakes altogether.
Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to reconnect with your partner when you’re away on vacation? Many couples find themselves more emotionally and physically close when they step away from daily life. Maybe you experience this too: you laugh more, communicate better, and find that intimacy becomes natural again. But why exactly does this happen, and why is it so challenging to maintain at home?
Have you ever found it difficult—or even a little embarrassing—to openly discuss your physical intimacy with your partner? You’re not alone. For many couples, the idea of having an open conversation about sex and intimacy can feel awkward or even overwhelming. Yet, being able to talk authentically about your desires, preferences, and experiences is essential for a fulfilling, connected relationship.
In her groundbreaking book Come as You Are, sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski offers us a new framework for understanding desire and intimacy. Her science-based approach provides language that makes these sensitive conversations easier. By understanding and utilizing her concepts, couples can explore intimacy together in a deeper, clearer way.
Let’s dive into Nagoski’s core concepts and explore how you can use them to facilitate honest, empowering conversations with your partner about your physical connection.
Nagoski describes human desire as governed by two distinct systems: the Sexual Excitation System (SES) (the "accelerator") and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) (the "brake").
Accelerators are the factors or cues that spark your interest and desire for intimacy. This can be affection, emotional closeness, visual appeal, novelty, specific touch, or simply having the right mood or environment.
Brakes are factors that diminish desire or inhibit arousal. Common brakes include stress, anxiety, fatigue, insecurity, unresolved conflicts, or even something as simple as the presence of distractions.
Knowing how your accelerator and brake systems function helps you communicate clearly with your partner. Instead of vague frustration ("Why don’t I ever feel in the mood?"), you can articulate specifics ("I'm feeling a lot of stress right now, and it’s really applying the brakes").
Nagoski also distinguishes between spontaneous desire (sexual interest arises seemingly out of nowhere) and responsive desire (interest emerges in response to emotional closeness, physical touch, or other cues). People often assume that spontaneous desire is the "correct" type, but responsive desire is equally common and entirely normal.
Understanding this can be transformative. Many couples feel discouraged because spontaneous desire doesn't happen as often as they expect. But knowing responsive desire is normal can ease pressure and open new ways to connect intimately.
According to Nagoski, desire doesn’t exist in isolation—it's profoundly influenced by context. Stressors, such as unresolved conflict, feeling unsafe emotionally, or external pressures, can dramatically reduce desire. Conversely, feeling secure, safe, and emotionally connected can significantly enhance it.
When discussing intimacy, it helps to think carefully about your shared context. You might ask yourselves:
What kind of environment helps each of us feel comfortable and engaged?
Are we trying to connect physically when we feel emotionally disconnected, stressed, or distracted?
How can we improve our environment—our emotional safety and connection—to enhance intimacy?
Now that you understand these key concepts, here’s how to practically bring them into your conversations:
When you approach these conversations, establish emotional safety first. Reassure each other that your goal is deeper connection and understanding, not criticism. Approach with curiosity, not judgment:
"I’d love for us to learn more about each other’s accelerators and brakes—what helps or hinders our desire."
Be specific. Rather than saying, "I’m never in the mood," try articulating:
"I’ve noticed stress about work really hits my brake and makes it hard for me to feel connected."
"When we have time to relax together without interruptions, that really hits my accelerator."
Encourage your partner to share their own accelerators and brakes, making space to acknowledge how they might differ from yours.
Openly discussing responsive versus spontaneous desire can take the pressure off both of you:
"I think my desire might be more responsive—I don't always feel spontaneously in the mood, but when we spend time together first, my desire often emerges."
"When we have that emotional connection or cuddling first, it gives my responsive desire space to kick in."
Discuss how your environment and emotional state affect intimacy:
"Maybe we can prioritize resolving conflicts earlier so stress doesn't dampen our intimacy later."
"Could we create small rituals or habits—like spending time together before bed—that set a more relaxing, desire-friendly context?"
Consider this exchange between partners:
Partner A: "Lately, when things get busy, intimacy feels harder for me. Stress really presses the brake pedal. When we make time to relax and talk first, it’s so much easier for me to connect."
Partner B: "That makes sense—I didn't realize how much your context affects your desire. For me, physical closeness helps lower my stress and hits my accelerator. How can we work together so both of our needs get met?"
This type of conversation removes blame and shifts the focus to collaboration and mutual understanding.
Emily Nagoski’s model gives you a roadmap to better conversations about physical intimacy. Instead of seeing desire differences as a problem, you can see them as something interesting and important to explore together. When you know your accelerators and brakes—and understand each other’s context—you create opportunities for deeper emotional and physical closeness.
So, consider starting a conversation with your partner:
What hits your accelerator?
What hits your brake?
Is your desire responsive, spontaneous, or a combination?
How can we create a more nurturing environment for our intimacy?
If these conversations feel challenging or if you’re stuck in patterns of misunderstanding, professional guidance can help. As an EFT-trained therapist, I specialize in helping couples improve intimacy and communication. You don’t have to navigate this sensitive territory alone.
Feel free to contact me by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.
Talking openly about intimacy isn’t always easy—but it is always worthwhile. By using Nagoski’s clear, non-judgmental language, you and your partner can build a stronger, more fulfilling, and joyful physical connection.
If your partner tends to withdraw when conflicts or emotionally intense conversations arise, you probably already know just how painful and frustrating this can feel. For someone who naturally seeks closeness, reassurance, and validation during difficult times, encountering your partner’s emotional retreat can feel devastating—like an emotional abandonment at the exact moment you need them most.
Ever feel that burning frustration flare up when your spouse seems to tune you out or withdraw from you? You’re not alone. Anger is a perfectly valid emotion—especially when you fear you’re losing your connection to someone who matters deeply. Yet, as understandable as anger may be, it can also backfire. What starts as a cry for attention and reassurance can quickly turn into a cycle of conflict that leaves both partners feeling more hurt, unheard, and distanced.
Depression can feel like an endless weight, a heavy blanket dulling your emotions and your engagement with the world around you. At times, though, depression might also serve an unintended purpose: it can protect you from deeper pain, sadness, or fear you’re not ready to face. This “utility” of depression—numbing you from distressing feelings—can offer short-term relief. However, over the long run, it often causes unintentional harm, distancing you from your spouse or partner, your children, and your own sense of well-being.
We all long to feel loved, cherished, and prioritized in our relationships. But when that longing feels unmet, many of us don’t reach for vulnerability—we reach for criticism. Instead of saying, “I’m scared you don’t love me anymore,” we say, “You always forget Valentine’s Day! You never make time for us!”
In our relationships, true connection blossoms when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Yet often, instead of opening up and sharing our deepest fears and needs, we settle for “vulnerable lite” questions or even criticism as a way to mask our true feelings. The result? Communication becomes confusing, and our emotional connection begins to fray.
As a couples therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I’ve seen time and time again how seemingly harmless questions can ignite cycles of conflict instead of fostering understanding. Rhetorical questions like, "Why can't everything just be okay?" or "Why can't you just let it go?" may appear to be attempts at problem-solving, yet they often do more harm than good.
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