Can You Undo Your Affair?

When I help couples recover from an affair, the first thing the offending partner seems to say is,”But I can’t go back in time and undo what I’ve done.” I wish I could call up a time machine for my couples. Because all of my couples affected by infidelity have one thing in common: regret.

Regret: The Great Motivator

While you are in the soup of pain after infidelity, there’s a lot of confusion and disorientation. So it can be hard to know what is helpful. I’m going to tell you this: regretting that you hurt your partner is your best ally. Feeling guilt can help you put positive intent into responding to your partner’s distress. They will be able to feel this positive intent which can validate any healing words you might be saying. Additionally, feeling regret will motivate you to be as helpful to them as you can be.

The Best Healing Factor

While Regret can help validate your healing words, and can motivate you to be the most helpful you can be, what can you do that will help heal the most? Sitting in the mud. What kind of voodoo magic is sitting in the mud? When your partner or spouse talks about the pain she or he has experienced because of the affair you participate in do the following:

1. Actively listen to them: Being curious, seeing understanding, despite the unpleasant feeling you may have.

2. Don’t dismiss their pain. This is an example of a dismissive statement:“I’m sorry I did that, at the same time, can we just get past this?”

3. Don’t try to “fix.” There are actual things you can do to help, but you’ll need their guidance. You can say,”Do you want me to just listen? Or do you want me to troubleshoot?”

4. Understand they won’t have words sometimes. When an injured partner is first experiencing the pain of the betrayal, they may just scream or collapse emotionally and not be able to tell you what they need. This is normal. You can tell them that.

Affair Recovery: First Aid

I tell people that couples counseling is a little like ballroom dance instruction. You’re using a process of relating that doesn’t work for you. You’re stepping on each other’s toes and injuring each other. By now, you’re bleeding, and so we’re having you use a different process to communicate your intentions and a different way of moving with the other person.

Imagine now attending a ballroom dance class while simultaneously being worried that the floor is going to fall from underneath your feet. You’re probably not going to be very concerned with getting the timing right on your dance steps. You’ll probably be more focused on where the nearest entrance is. That’s why there’s affair recovery as a preliminary step.

Affair recovery gets you to a stable spot so you can feel confident enough that there isn’t a threat still looming over you. For the injured partner, affair recovery helps you ask for what you need: Do you need a written email that the relationship sent to the affair partner? Do you need email or text access to your partner’s phone? This isn’t to say such radical transparency is forever. But it helps to calm their nervous system.

For the affair-involved partner. I help you apologize and understand how to disclose affair details that your partner is asking for.

What do you want your new relationship to look like?

I talk a lot about couples relationships being over and rebuilding a new one because there is too much discordant with what you know the other person can do vs. who you thought they were. You are attempting to create a new relationship that addresses some of the vulnerabilities that may have led to someone else getting in the middle.

DIY

I’m a fan of the DIY ethic. But I also recognize the importance of asking for help. Whether I work with you together or individually, I can be a source of help during your toughest times. If you’re ready to address infidelity and move forward in your relationship, check out my page on Affair Recovery and my thoughts on repairing once there’s infidelity.

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom).  Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the orange button on that page to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.

I’m a couples therapy specialist that has helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck and would love to help you find a way out -together.

How To Show Up Better For Your Spouse

Recently, I talked about what can make you a better partner. Recognizing the need for such efforts is a giant step toward a healthier relationship. But once you know the steps, you still have to take them. Sometimes, that is precisely where the roadblocks exist. Where and how do you start? Do you really need to make changes or should you wait to see if problems arise?

Simply put, a healthy partnership does not happen by accident. It requires lots of desire and effort. Both partners must commit to what is a long-term, ever-evolving project. Let’s take a closer look at how to make this happen.

Do the Work

As touched on above, this is the foundation. You won’t always get it right, but you just keep trying. Demonstrate, through your actions and your words, that being a better partner is important to you. It’s a major priority in your life. Such a commitment is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. But it is a clear sign that you get it.

It helps to recognize that being a better partner is not a destination. There is no finish line. You wake up, wipe the slate clean, and start again. If this sounds onerous, keep in mind how wonderful the rewards are.

Communicate

• Frequently

• Directly

• Respectfully

• Face-to-face

You can’t have a relationship without some conflict. However, conflict is far more likely if you’re not practicing healthy communication. Virtually any situation or crisis can be managed when both partners are expressing their thoughts and emotions in a mature manner. Keep the lines of communication open.

Go Above and Beyond

Even the happiest couples can fall into a rut. Things settle into a routine and you may inadvertently take each other for granted. A powerful way to prevent this tendency is to keep looking for ways to challenge the ordinary. Go out of your way to do the right thing.

Discover new ways to express your appreciation, gratitude, lust, and love. Don’t be afraid of being corny. Let your partner know they are always on your mind. It’s not about spending money or putting on a show (although, it can be sometimes). The idea here is to remind them how much they mean to you in a fresh and authentic manner.

Improve Your Listening Skills

Everyone wants to feel heard. They want to be understood and validated. A big part of showing up as a better partner is appreciating this need. And it starts with listening. A few factors to keep in mind:

• It’s more than just waiting for your turn to talk

• Be attentive, make eye contact, and ask questions if appropriate

• Check your body language, gestures, and facial expressions

• Use nonverbal cues to signal that you’re listening

• Do not interrupt

Perhaps most importantly, stay curious. Relationships can fall into a rhythm. You may feel certain you can predict what your partner is about to say. You may also be preparing a way to state your disagreement. Instead, try keeping an open mind. You might learn something new—including something new about your partner!

Schedule Together Time

Life is hectic. The easiest excuse in the world for not stepping up is “I’m so busy.” If that’s the case, get out our schedules and plan quality time together. Leave nothing to chance. Put away your devices. Get a babysitter if you must. But never, ever postpone your partner.

If this feels impossible, there’s a short-term solution. Commit together to couples counseling. This places you together once a week. Such a setting allows for productive conversations and exploration through the pretense of an unbiased guide. You’ll both become better partners!

If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.