There's a scene I see in my office constantly.
A couple sits across from me, and one partner says something like: "You NEVER listen to me. You're so selfish."
The other partner's face tightens. "I'm selfish? Are you kidding? I do EVERYTHING around here while you just criticize."
"Oh, here we go with the victim act again," the first partner says, rolling their eyes.
The second partner crosses their arms, looks away, and goes silent.
And just like that, in less than 60 seconds, I've witnessed all four of what relationship researcher John Gottman calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse"—the communication patterns that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.
Criticism. Contempt. Defensiveness. Stonewalling.
These aren't just "bad communication." They're the death knell of relationships. And if they're showing up regularly in your marriage, you need to take this seriously.
But here's the good news: Each horseman has an antidote. You can learn to recognize these patterns in yourself and your partner. You can interrupt them. You can replace them with healthier ways of handling conflict.
Let me show you how.
Why Gottman's Four Horsemen Matter
John Gottman spent decades researching what makes marriages succeed or fail. He observed thousands of couples in his "Love Lab," tracking their interactions, physiological responses, and relationship outcomes over years.
And what he found was remarkable: He could predict with over 90% accuracy which couples would divorce just by observing how they fought.
Not whether they fought—how often or about what. But HOW. The specific communication patterns they used during conflict.
He identified four patterns that were so toxic, so corrosive to relationships, that he called them the Four Horsemen—after the Biblical harbingers of the apocalypse. Because when these patterns take over your marriage, they signal that the end might be near.
The Four Horsemen are:
Criticism - Attacking your partner's character or personality
Contempt - Treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, or superiority
Defensiveness - Refusing to take responsibility, playing the victim
Stonewalling - Shutting down, withdrawing, refusing to engage
These aren't occasional slip-ups. Every couple criticizes sometimes. Every couple gets defensive. What matters is whether these patterns become your default way of handling conflict.
If they do—if the Four Horsemen are galloping through your marriage unchecked—your relationship is in serious danger.
But you can stop them. Let me show you what each horseman looks like, why it's so destructive, and what you can do instead.
The First Horseman: Criticism (Attacking Character, Not Behavior)
Criticism is different from complaining. A complaint addresses a specific behavior: "I'm frustrated that you didn't call when you were going to be late."
Criticism attacks your partner's character or personality: "You're so inconsiderate. You never think about anyone but yourself."
The key difference: Complaints are about actions. Criticisms are about the person.
Here's what criticism looks like:
"You're lazy." (vs. "I need more help with the housework.")
"You're terrible with money." (vs. "I'm worried about how much we're spending.")
"You never listen to me." (vs. "I don't feel heard when I'm trying to tell you something important.")
"You're just like your mother." (vs. "When you criticize me in front of your family, I feel disrespected.")
Notice how criticism uses words like "always," "never," "you're so..." It globalizes. It makes sweeping statements about who your partner IS, not what they DID.
Why criticism is toxic:
When you criticize your partner's character, you're not inviting them to change a behavior—you're telling them they're fundamentally flawed. That's not something they can fix. That's an attack on their identity.
And what do people do when they're attacked? They defend themselves. Which brings us to the third horseman (we'll get there).
From a couples therapy perspective, criticism violates what Sue Johnson calls being accessible, responsive, and engaged. You're not engaging with your partner's humanity—you're reducing them to their worst traits. Don't we all have worst traits?
The Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Startup
Instead of launching into criticism, start gently with a complaint that focuses on YOUR feelings and needs, not their character flaws.
Formula: I feel [emotion] about [situation]. I need [specific request].
Criticism: "You're so irresponsible. You forgot to pick up the kids AGAIN."
Gentle startup: "I feel really anxious when the kids aren't picked up on time. I need us to have a system where we both know who's handling pickup."
Criticism: "You don't care about me at all. You're always on your phone."
Gentle startup: "I feel disconnected when we're both on our phones during dinner. Can we have a no-phones rule at the table?"
Criticism: "You're a slob. This place is disgusting."
Gentle startup: "I feel overwhelmed by the mess. Can we talk about dividing up the cleaning more clearly?"
See the difference? You're expressing your feelings and needs without attacking your partner's character. You're inviting collaboration, not defense.
This doesn't mean you can't be direct about problems. It just means you focus on behavior and impact, not character assassination.
The Second Horseman: Contempt (The Most Toxic Pattern)
If criticism is the first horseman, contempt is the one Gottman found to be the single greatest predictor of divorce.
Contempt is treating your partner from a position of moral superiority. It's mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, sneering, name-calling. It's communicating: "You're beneath me. You disgust me. I'm better than you."
Here's what contempt looks like:
Eye-rolling when your partner is talking
Mocking their tone: "Oh, poor baby, did someone hurt your feelings?"
Name-calling: "You're pathetic." "You're such a child."
Hostile humor: "Wow, you actually finished something. Should I throw you a parade?"
Sarcasm: "Oh sure, because YOU'RE such an expert on parenting."
Sneering or looking disgusted when they're expressing feelings
Contempt doesn't just attack behavior or even character—it attacks your partner's worth as a human being. It says: "You are lesser. You are defective. You are not deserving of respect."
Why contempt is the most toxic horseman:
Contempt comes from a place of long-simmering resentment. It's what happens when you've stored up criticisms, disappointments, and hurts—and instead of addressing them, you've built a case against your partner.
Now you're not just angry about what they did. You've decided they're a bad person. And you're treating them accordingly.
From a Relational Life Therapy perspective, contempt is the ultimate "one-up" position. Terry Real talks about how contempt keeps you on your high horse, looking down at your partner with disdain. You've put yourself above them morally, and from that position, repair is impossible.
Contempt also poisons the entire emotional climate of your relationship. When contempt is present, your partner's nervous system registers: "This person doesn't just disagree with me. They don't respect me. They might not even love me."
And that makes vulnerability—the foundation of all intimacy and repair—feel impossibly dangerous.
If you find yourself acting with contempt or being the target of contempt, you can call a timeout. When contempt enters the conversation, it's often a sign that things have escalated beyond productive discussion. See my post on doing timeouts well for how to take a break that actually helps rather than making things worse.
The Antidote to Contempt: Building a Culture of Appreciation
You can't just "stop" being contemptuous. Contempt is a symptom of a deeper problem: you've lost respect and fondness for your partner.
So the antidote isn't a communication technique—it's rebuilding positive regard for your partner.
Here's how:
1. Remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities
What did you love about them when you first got together? What do they do well? What are their strengths?
Make a list. Seriously. Write down 10 things you genuinely appreciate about your partner.
2. Express appreciation out loud
Don't just think nice thoughts—say them. Regularly.
"Thank you for handling bedtime tonight. I really needed that break."
"I appreciate how patient you are with my mom."
"You're really good at making the kids laugh."
3. Catch them doing things right
Instead of keeping a mental list of everything they do wrong, actively look for things they do right—and acknowledge them.
This isn't fake. This isn't manipulation. This is retraining your brain to see your partner as a whole person, not just a collection of flaws.
4. Talk about the contempt
If contempt has taken root in your marriage, you need to name it. With a therapist's help if needed.
"I've been treating you with contempt, and that's not okay. I've built up so much resentment that I stopped seeing your good qualities. I want to change that."
This is hard. It requires humility. But it's essential if you want to save your marriage.
For more on how appreciation actually changes relationships, read my post on Gottman's 5:1 appreciation ratio.
The Third Horseman: Defensiveness (Playing the Victim)
Defensiveness usually shows up in response to criticism. Your partner says something that feels like an attack, and instead of listening or taking any responsibility, you defend yourself.
Here's what defensiveness looks like:
Making excuses: "I would have called, but my phone died."
Cross-complaining: "You didn't text me either!"
Yes-butting: "Yes, I forgot, BUT you forget things all the time."
Playing the victim: "I can't do anything right in your eyes."
Whining: "It's not FAIR. I was trying my best."
Repeating yourself instead of listening: "I TOLD you I was going to be late. I TOLD you."
Defensiveness feels justified in the moment. Your partner just criticized you, so of course you're going to defend yourself, right?
But here's the problem: Defensiveness is really just blame in disguise. You're saying, "This isn't my fault. It's YOUR fault. Or it's the circumstances' fault. Or it's not even a real problem."
You're refusing to take any responsibility. And that makes repair impossible.
Why defensiveness keeps you stuck:
When you get defensive, you're telling your partner: "I'm not going to acknowledge your feelings. I'm not going to consider that I might have hurt you. I'm going to protect myself instead."
And that shuts down the conversation. Your partner can't bring up concerns without you immediately deflecting. So they either escalate (get louder, more critical) or they give up (stop trying to talk to you about anything difficult).
From an Emotionally Focused Therapy perspective, defensiveness breaks the cycle of accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. You're not accessible to your partner's pain. You're not responsive to their needs. You're engaged only with protecting yourself.
For more on why defensiveness doesn't work, read my post on why defensiveness fuels arguments.
The Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility (Even for 5%)
The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility—even partial responsibility—for your part.
This doesn't mean accepting blame for things you didn't do. It means acknowledging the piece you CAN own.
Defensive: "I would have called, but my phone died."
Taking responsibility: "You're right, I should have found another way to let you know I'd be late. I'm sorry."
Defensive: "You didn't text me either!"
Taking responsibility: "You're right that I didn't text. That must have been frustrating for you."
Defensive: "I can't do anything right in your eyes."
Taking responsibility: "I hear that you're upset about me forgetting. What can I do to make it right?"
Notice what's happening here: You're not denying your partner's experience. You're not making excuses. You're acknowledging impact.
What if you only agree with 5% of what they're saying?
Own that 5%.
"You're right that I've been distracted lately. That's fair."
"I can see how that comment came across as dismissive, even though that wasn't my intent."
"You're right that I said I would do that and I didn't. I dropped the ball."
This doesn't mean you agree with their entire argument. It just means you're acknowledging the kernel of truth in what they're saying.
And that small acknowledgment—that 5%—is often enough to de-escalate the conflict and create space for actual conversation.
The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling (Shutting Down Completely)
Stonewalling is when you completely withdraw from the interaction. You shut down. You stop responding. You might leave the room, turn away, give one-word answers, or go silent.
Here's what stonewalling looks like:
Going silent in the middle of a conversation
Leaving the room without explanation
Acting busy (checking phone, doing dishes) while your partner is trying to talk
Giving yes/no/fine answers to avoid engaging
Physically turning away or avoiding eye contact
The "stone face" - no expression, no reaction, nothing
Stonewalling often shows up after the first three horsemen have been riding for a while. You've been criticized, treated with contempt, and your attempts to defend yourself haven't worked. So you shut down completely.
Why stonewalling is destructive:
Stonewalling feels like emotional abandonment to your partner. They're trying to reach you, to connect, to resolve something—and you've checked out.
From your perspective, you might be stonewalling to avoid saying something you'll regret, or because you're overwhelmed and need space. Those are valid feelings.
But from your partner's perspective, your silence communicates: "You don't matter enough for me to engage with. I'm done with you."
Gottman's research shows that men are more likely to stonewall than women because men's physiological stress responses during conflict are often more intense. They get flooded (heart rate over 100 bpm, can't think clearly) and shut down to cope.
But regardless of why it happens, stonewalling stops all forward movement in the relationship. You can't repair if one person won't talk.
From an attachment perspective, stonewalling triggers what Sue Johnson calls an "attachment injury." The person being stonewalled experiences it as abandonment—their partner has left them emotionally, even if they're still physically present.
The Antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing (and Communication)
If you're stonewalling because you're flooded—your heart is racing, you can't think clearly, you feel overwhelmed—you need to take a break.
But here's the critical piece: You need to TELL your partner you're taking a break, and when you'll come back.
Stonewalling: [Goes silent, walks away]
Self-soothing: "I need to take a break. I'm feeling overwhelmed and I can't think clearly. Can we talk about this in 20 minutes?"
That's not stonewalling—that's a healthy timeout. You're not abandoning the conversation. You're taking space so you can return to it productively.
During your break:
Don't ruminate about how wrong your partner is
Don't rehearse your counter-arguments
DO something physically calming: walk, breathe deeply, listen to music, splash cold water on your face
DO remind yourself that your partner is not your enemy
When you return:
"Okay, I'm ready to talk now. Can we start over?"
"I'm calmer now. I want to hear what you were trying to tell me."
For more on how to take effective timeouts, read my post on how to do timeouts well.
What if you're the partner being stonewalled?
This is incredibly frustrating. You're trying to talk, and your partner has shut down completely.
Here's what helps:
Don't pursue them. Following them from room to room, demanding they talk, raising your voice—all of this makes the stonewalling worse. They need space.
Name what's happening: "I can see you're shutting down. I get that you might need a break. Can we agree to come back to this later?"
Give them an out: "Do you need 20 minutes to calm down? Should we talk about this tomorrow?"
Don't let it go indefinitely: If your partner consistently stonewalls and refuses to come back to difficult conversations, that's a serious problem. You might need couples therapy to break that pattern.
When All Four Horsemen Are Present: You Need Help NOW
If you're recognizing all four horsemen in your marriage—if criticism leads to contempt, which triggers defensiveness, which ends in stonewalling—your relationship is in crisis.
This isn't something you can fix with a blog post. You need professional help.
Here's why:
Once all four horsemen are galloping through your marriage, you're stuck in a vicious cycle. Every interaction makes things worse. You can't have a productive conversation anymore because the patterns are too entrenched.
You need a couples therapist who can:
Help you see the cycle you're stuck in
Teach you how to interrupt the horsemen when they show up
Create safety so you can start practicing the antidotes
Address the underlying issues (resentment, attachment injuries, unresolved hurts) that fuel the horsemen
In my work with couples using Emotionally Focused Therapy and Relational Life Therapy, I help partners identify which horsemen show up in their relationship, understand what's driving those patterns, and learn healthier ways to handle conflict.
The good news is: These patterns can change. But they don't change on their own. They change through intentional, consistent practice—often with professional support.
How to Start Stopping the Four Horsemen Today
You don't have to wait for therapy to start working on this. Here's what you can do right now:
1. Learn to recognize the horsemen in yourself
Which horseman is YOUR go-to? Are you the one who criticizes? Gets contemptuous? Defensive? Shuts down?
Be honest with yourself. You can't change a pattern you don't acknowledge.
2. Catch yourself mid-horseman
The moment you hear yourself saying "You always..." or "You never..." or you feel yourself rolling your eyes—STOP.
Take a breath. Start over.
"Wait, let me rephrase that. What I'm actually feeling is..."
3. Apologize when a horseman shows up
"I'm sorry, that was contemptuous. Let me try again."
"I got really defensive just then. You're right that I didn't follow through. I'm sorry."
"I'm shutting down and that's not fair to you. I need 20 minutes, and then I'll come back to this."
4. Practice the antidotes
Gentle startup instead of criticism
Express appreciation regularly
Take responsibility for your 5%
Call timeouts when you're flooded (and come back)
5. Talk about the horsemen with your partner
"I read about these Four Horsemen patterns, and I think we do some of these. Can we try to catch each other when they show up?"
Make it a team effort. You're not trying to "fix" your partner—you're both working on the patterns together.
The Four Horsemen Aren't a Death Sentence—But They're a Warning
If you're seeing the Four Horsemen in your marriage, don't panic. Their presence doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.
But it IS a warning. It's telling you: "Pay attention. Get help. Change how you're doing this—before it's too late."
The couples who divorce aren't the ones who have conflict. They're the ones who handle conflict with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—and never learn to do it differently.
You can learn to do it differently.
It takes humility. It takes practice. It takes being willing to see your own patterns and take responsibility for them.
But it's possible. And your marriage is worth it.
Getting Help to Stop the Four Horsemen in Your Marriage
If you recognize the Four Horsemen galloping through your marriage—if your conflicts consistently involve criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—you don't have to figure this out alone.
I work with couples using both Emotionally Focused Therapy and Relational Life Therapy to help partners identify destructive communication patterns, understand what's driving them, and build healthier ways of handling conflict.
Book a free video consultation and let's talk about how couples therapy can help you interrupt these patterns and create the kind of communication that actually brings you closer—not pushes you apart.
The Four Horsemen don't have to win. You can learn to recognize them, interrupt them, and replace them with patterns that heal instead of harm.
Your marriage deserves that chance.