The holidays are supposed to bring you closer together. Instead, you're snapping at each other over who forgot to buy wrapping paper.
It's not really about the wrapping paper. It's about the fact that you're both running on empty—juggling family obligations, end-of-year work deadlines, gift shopping, travel plans, and the unspoken pressure to make everything feel magical. And when you're that depleted, the person closest to you becomes the easiest target.
This is one of the most common patterns I see in couples during the holiday season. Two people who genuinely love each other, taking out their stress on the one person who should be their ally. Not because they're bad partners, but because stress needs somewhere to go—and home feels like the safest place to let it out. (If this pattern sounds familiar beyond the holidays, you might recognize the cycle I describe here.)
The problem is, it's not safe for your relationship. Every sharp comment, every eye roll, every "I don't have time for this right now" chips away at your connection. And by the time January arrives, some couples find they've done real damage.
Here's how to get through the holidays without becoming each other's punching bag.
Why We Snap at the People We Love
There's a reason you're more likely to lose your patience with your partner than with your coworker or the barista who got your order wrong. It's called displacement—taking out frustration from one source on a safer target.
Your partner is the safest target you have. You're not going to yell at your boss. You're not going to snap at your mother (well, maybe). But your partner? They'll still be there tomorrow. So your nervous system decides it's okay to discharge on them.
Except it's not okay. And on some level, you know that. Which is why you feel guilty afterward, even as you justify it to yourself: "I'm just stressed. They should understand."
They probably do understand. But understanding doesn't make it hurt less. And over time, being someone's emotional release valve gets exhausting.
The Difference Between Stressed and Actually Upset
Here's a question worth asking yourself before you say something sharp to your partner: Am I actually upset with them, or am I just stressed and they happen to be here?
These are two very different situations that require two very different responses.
If you're actually upset with your partner—if they did something that hurt you or failed to follow through on something important—that's worth addressing. Not with a snap, but with a real conversation about what happened and what you need.
But if you're honest with yourself and the real issue is that you're overwhelmed, exhausted, or anxious about things that have nothing to do with your partner, then taking it out on them isn't fair. It's not even effective—it won't make you feel better, and it'll make things worse between you.
The holiday season makes this harder to sort out because everything blends together. You're stressed about the visit to your in-laws, which is related to your partner, but also tied up with work deadlines and financial pressure and the fact that you haven't slept well in two weeks. It all becomes one undifferentiated mass of tension.
Before you snap, pause. Ask yourself: what am I actually reacting to right now? (If you want to go deeper on this, my post on identifying your triggers can help you recognize your patterns.)
Name It Before You Blow
One of the simplest things you can do is tell your partner you're stressed before you take it out on them. This isn't weakness—it's wisdom. (And if you need to step away entirely, knowing how to take a proper timeout can save you from saying something you'll regret.)
"I'm really maxed out right now. I'm not upset with you, but I'm running on fumes and I might be short. Just wanted you to know."
That one sentence can prevent a fight. It gives your partner context. It helps them not take your tone personally. And it signals that you're aware of your own state—which means you're less likely to let it control you.
This works both ways. If your partner seems edgy, instead of getting defensive or escalating, you can ask: "Are you stressed about something, or is this about us?" That question alone can de-escalate tension, because it shows you're trying to understand rather than react.
The goal is to make your stress visible before it becomes destructive. Once you've snapped, you're in damage control. But if you can name it early, you can often avoid the damage altogether.
Ask for What You Need
When you're stressed, you need things from your partner. Maybe space. Maybe help. Maybe just patience while you get through a hard stretch. But here's what most people do instead of asking: they expect their partner to read their mind, and then get resentful when they don't.
Your partner is not a mind reader. They're dealing with their own holiday stress, their own mental load, their own pressures. If you need something, you have to say it.
"I need thirty minutes alone when I get home before I can be present with you."
"I'm drowning with the gift shopping. Can you take over the list for your family?"
"I need you to not critique how I'm handling the kids' schedule this week. I know it's not perfect, but I'm doing my best."
These are clear requests. They're not complaints, not criticisms, not hints. They tell your partner exactly what you need, which gives them a chance to actually provide it.
This is what it means to be accessible, responsive, and engaged with each other—staying connected even when circumstances are hard. It doesn't mean being available for everything. It means communicating openly about what you can and can't give right now.
When You Do Snap (Because You Will)
Let's be realistic. You're going to take your stress out on your partner at some point this holiday season. It's going to happen. The question isn't whether you'll mess up—it's how quickly you repair.
The couples who do well aren't the ones who never fight or never snap. They're the ones who repair quickly. They notice when they've been harsh. They take responsibility without being asked. They say something like:
"Hey, I was short with you earlier about the wrapping paper. That wasn't fair. I'm stressed about work and I took it out on you. I'm sorry."
That's it. Notice, take responsibility, apologize. No justification, no "but you also..." Just a clean repair.
If you've read my post on how to apologize well, you know that a good apology doesn't include an explanation of why you did the thing. The explanation can come later if your partner wants it. But the apology itself should be simple and focused on their experience, not your reasons.
The faster you repair, the less residue builds up. The couples who struggle aren't snapping more often—they're just letting the snaps sit there, unaddressed, accumulating into resentment.
Check In Before You Check Out
The holidays create a lot of parallel activity. You're both busy, both running around, both handling your own piece of the chaos. It's easy to go days without actually connecting—without a real conversation that isn't about logistics.
Build in a check-in. It doesn't have to be long. Five minutes at the end of the day: "How are you doing? How are we doing?"
This does two things. First, it gives you both a chance to name any stress or tension before it festers. Second, it reminds you that you're a team. You're not just two people managing a household during a stressful season—you're partners who are in this together.
If you're feeling disconnected, say so. "I feel like we've been ships passing in the night this week. Can we find twenty minutes to just sit together?" That's not needy. That's taking care of your relationship.
Protect Your Relationship From the Season
Here's the mindset shift that helps: the holidays are temporary, but your relationship is not. The stress of December will pass. The question is what shape your relationship will be in when it does.
That means being intentional. It means noticing when you're about to take something out on your partner and choosing differently. It means repairing quickly when you don't. It means staying connected even when everything else is pulling you apart.
You don't have to have a perfect holiday season. You don't have to handle every stressor with grace. But you can protect your partnership from becoming collateral damage.
When you feel the stress rising, remember: your partner isn't the enemy. They're the one person who's supposed to be on your side. Treat them like it—even when you're running on empty.
If the holidays are intensifying conflicts in your relationship, you don't have to wait until January to get help. Schedule a free consultation to talk about what's going on and whether couples therapy might be a good fit.