Your in-laws are coming for the holidays. Or your parents. Or that sibling who always finds a way to make things tense.
You already know how it's going to go. The passive-aggressive comments. The unsolicited parenting advice. The political opinions delivered as facts. The way your mother looks at your partner. The way your partner's father talks to you like you're still proving yourself.
And here's what most couples do: nothing. They hope it'll be different this time. They white-knuckle their way through the visit. They snap at each other in the car on the way home. Then they spend the next week recovering from a holiday that was supposed to bring them closer together.
There's a better way. But it requires having a conversation with your partner before anyone arrives—a conversation about boundaries.
Why Boundaries with Family Are So Hard
Let's start with why this is difficult in the first place.
Family relationships come with decades of history. You learned early on what was acceptable to say and what wasn't. You learned which topics would start a fight and which family member held the power. You learned to keep the peace, even when keeping the peace meant abandoning yourself.
Those patterns don't disappear when you become an adult. They're still running in the background, especially when you're back in the same room with the people who shaped them.
There's also guilt. The voice that says: "It's only a few days. You should be able to handle it. They're family. What kind of person sets boundaries with their own parents?"
But here's what I want you to understand: boundaries aren't about punishing your family or deciding they're bad people. Boundaries are about protecting your relationship—with yourself and with your partner. They're about deciding in advance what you can and can't tolerate, so you're not making those decisions in the heat of the moment when you're already overwhelmed.
The Mistake of Waiting Until You're in It
Most couples don't talk about boundaries until something goes wrong. Your father-in-law makes a comment about your weight. Your mother criticizes how you're raising the kids. Your brother picks a political fight at the dinner table.
And suddenly you're reacting. You're flooded. You're either defending yourself or shutting down. Your partner is caught off guard, unsure whether to step in or stay out of it. Later, you're fighting with each other about how it was handled—or not handled.
This is what happens when you don't have a plan.
The time to set boundaries is before the visit, not during. When you're calm. When you can think clearly. When you and your partner can get on the same page about what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not.
The Conversation to Have Before They Arrive
Here's what I recommend couples do before any potentially difficult family gathering:
Name what's hard. Start by being honest with each other about what you're dreading. Not in a venting, complaining way—but in a vulnerable, here's what this brings up for me way. Maybe it's: "When your mom comments on my cooking, I feel like I'm not good enough." Or: "When my dad drinks too much, I get anxious because I never know what he's going to say."
Decide on your boundaries together. This isn't about one partner dictating terms. It's about coming to agreement as a team. What topics are off-limits? How long will the visit last? What's your plan if things get heated? Where are your non-negotiables?
Agree on signals. Sometimes you need a way to communicate with your partner without announcing it to the room. A code word that means "I need to step outside." A hand signal that means "please change the subject." A look that means "I need you to step in right now."
Plan your exit. Know in advance how you'll leave if you need to. This might mean driving separately. It might mean having a built-in excuse ("We told the babysitter we'd be back by nine"). It might mean booking a hotel instead of staying in someone's home. Having an exit strategy doesn't mean you'll use it—but knowing it's there can make the visit more bearable.
What Boundaries Actually Sound Like
Some people think boundaries mean confrontation. Big dramatic speeches. Ultimatums.
Usually, boundaries are much quieter than that.
"We're going to head out around eight—we've got an early morning tomorrow."
"I'd rather not get into politics today. Let's talk about something else."
"We've got our pediatrician's advice on that, but thanks for the thought."
"I'm going to step outside for some air. I'll be back in a few minutes."
These aren't aggressive. They're clear. They communicate a limit without attacking anyone. And when you've discussed them with your partner in advance, you know you have backup.
Sometimes boundaries do need to be more direct. If someone is being cruel or crossing a serious line, you may need to name it clearly: "That comment was hurtful, and I need you to stop." But even then, you're more likely to say it effectively if you've thought about it beforehand.
Being Your Partner's Ally
Here's where a lot of couples fall apart: they don't have each other's backs during family visits.
Maybe you stay silent when your mother criticizes your partner because you don't want to cause a scene. Maybe you leave your partner to fend for themselves with your difficult sibling because "that's just how they are." Maybe you minimize what happened afterward: "They didn't mean it that way. You're being too sensitive."
This is a betrayal. Not as dramatic as an affair, but a betrayal nonetheless. Your partner needed you, and you weren't there. (If you want to understand why that matters so much, my post on being accessible, responsive, and engaged explains the attachment piece.)
Being your partner's ally means:
Stepping in when your family crosses a line, even if it's uncomfortable
Not making excuses for your family's behavior
Checking in with your partner during the visit: "How are you holding up?"
Validating their experience afterward, even if you saw things differently
Prioritizing your partnership over keeping the peace with your family of origin
This doesn't mean you have to blow up at your parents or cut off your siblings. It means your partner knows—really knows—that you're on their team first.
When Boundaries Get Crossed Anyway
Even with the best preparation, things will go sideways sometimes. Someone will say something hurtful. A boundary will get trampled. You or your partner will react in a way you're not proud of.
This is where repair matters.
If you handled something poorly, own it. "I froze when my dad made that comment. I should have said something. I'm sorry you were left hanging."
If your partner is struggling, hold space for it. Don't rush to fix or minimize. Just listen: "That was really hard. I'm sorry you had to deal with that."
If you need to take a break from processing because you're both too activated, that's okay—just make sure you come back to it. Don't let the tension from the family visit become tension between the two of you.
The goal isn't a perfect visit. The goal is getting through it together, as a team, with your connection intact.
Sometimes the Answer Is Not Going
I want to say something that might be hard to hear: sometimes the healthiest boundary is not attending at all.
If a family gathering consistently leaves you or your partner emotionally wrecked—if the dysfunction is severe enough that no amount of preparation can protect you—it's okay to skip it. You can have your own holiday. You can create your own traditions. You can protect your mental health and your relationship by saying no.
This isn't giving up on family. It's recognizing that some situations are too damaging to keep walking into. And it's choosing your partnership over obligation.
If you're not sure whether skipping is warranted or whether you're just avoiding discomfort, that's worth talking through—with your partner and possibly with a therapist. But know that "we're not going this year" is an option on the table.
Start the Conversation Now
If you have family coming for the holidays—or if you're traveling to see them—don't wait until the day before to have this conversation. Start now.
Ask your partner: "What are you worried about with this visit? What do you need from me? What boundaries should we agree on?"
Then listen. Really listen. Not to respond, but to understand.
The holidays don't have to be something you survive. With the right preparation and a partner who has your back, they can be something you navigate—together.
If family dynamics are creating ongoing tension in your relationship, couples therapy can help you get on the same page and set boundaries that protect your partnership. Schedule a free consultation to talk about what's going on.